Friday, 12 May 2023

Pink Triangles, Blue Triangles


Pink Triangles, Blue Triangles



May is #InternationalMEAwarenessMonth &/or #MEAwarenessMonth.


The 12th May is #InternationalMEAwarenessDay &/or #MEAwarenessDay to co-incide with Florence Nightingale’s birthday, as she is suspected of being a person with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (pwME) or its closely-related sister disease Fibromyalgia (thus pwFM). Like about half of pwME I am diagnosed with both conditions. I usually try to compose a new blog-post to mark the occasion, but having severe M.E. means I do not always achieve my objective.



Image description: pale-blue triangle on a black background; above the words “MYALGIC ENCEPHALOMYELITIS”; below the phrase, “SILENCE = LIVING DEATH”.


In case anyone is pondering where they may have seen something similar, I take you back to 1987 and the “Silence = Death Project” (link to Wikipedia article here). In that instance a pink triangle was utilised.


I quote from the cited link, as I do not have the energy nor cognitive abilities to reword it:


“A pink triangle has been a symbol for the LGBT community, initially intended as a badge of shame, but later reclaimed as a positive symbol of self-identity and love for queerness. In Nazi Germany in the 1930s and 1940s, it began as one of the Nazi concentration camp badges, distinguishing those imprisoned because they had been identified by authorities as gay [and bisexual men per thepinknews.com] men. In the 1970s, it was revived as a symbol of protest against homophobia and transphobia, and has since been adopted by the larger LGBT community as a popular symbol of LGBT pride and the LGBT movements and queer liberation movements.”


It is estimated that 25% of pwME are either housebound or bedridden, but all sufferers are imprisoned in a severely failing body, for which there is no cure, no treatment, no (current) hope.


The reader may be wondering why I am labouring comparisons with queer men. Well, obviously I myself am a queer man as well as a pwME, so I personally am interested in what can be learned from my brethren. And there is something to learn; something I have tweeted about over several years, but have finally decided to blog about. I point out here that none of the charities to whom I have tweeted or included in a tweet have ever responded to me, on any issue.


I do not know how many folk will recall the rabid era of HIV & AIDS hysteria in the 1980s. Many pwME will have been born long after its passing. However, one thing still strikes me from that period - how the gay community took pro-active action to support their brethren in need, those suffering not only from an incurable illness, but actively hated and shunned by society at large, health services, local communities and most shockingly by their so-called friends & families. Sounds familiar to many of those with M.E. or Fibromyalgia.


I cannot find much on the “buddy system” that the LGBT communities creäted back in the early/mid-1980s. (Here is a link to the basic working of any buddy system, via Wikipedia.)


However, a seminal film was made in 1985 simply entitled “Buddies” (dir. Arthur J. Bressan Jnr.). (Link on Wikipedia; link on imdb.)


I quote from Red-125’s comment in the review section of the latter:


“The buddy concept was new to me. Humanitarian groups would assign people to visit people dying from HIV/AIDS if they had no other support system. This must have been common, because many gay men had partners who were dying or had died, and people were afraid to go near people with HIV/AIDS because no one knew how it was transmitted.”


As far as I can recall, I have not seen this film. However, I did see a film made the following year, 1986, entitled “Parting Glances” (dir. Bill Sherwood) in which Steve Buscemi plays Nick, the guy dying from AIDS. (Link on imdb; link on wikipedia.)





The above link is to a short snippet from the film where the buddy, Mike, is talking to Nick. We can see the remains of a health-drink Mike concocted a few scenes earlier. We are apprised of the meal that Mike has prepared. And we hear of and see Mike entertaining Nick. What we do not see in this scene is Mike advocating on Nick’s behalf.


So, in case it has not yet become apparent to the reader - my fault no doubt - I am suggesting that pwME need a buddy system along the lines that queer communities established at the height of the AIDS furore: whether for social visits and general support for those with mild ME (that is a loss of 25% of previous function) to preparing, serving & sometimes feeding and strong advocacy support for those with severe ME.


ALL of the big M.E. charities have seriously let down pwME: as far as I can tell (having searched their websites as best I could and checked via search-engine too), not one has instigated a buddy system. However, ideally, they ought to all work together to develop a national one-stop system, where those in need and those who wish to volunteer can be brought together. Of course, there are financial implications: set-up & maintenance of a dedicated website; payment (if a volunteer cannot be found) to oversee the running of the buddy system; training costs - although remote training via video could reduce costs considerably; police-checks to ensure the suitability of volunteers; etc.


Having one centralised buddy system could also be a source of identifying specific issues effecting pwME and how widespread such issues may be. As an example, if volunteers regularly update the site with issues for which they have to advocate, such a buddy system might give us a better picture of how the NHS, local social-services, G.P.s, Pharmacies, supermarkets, etc. deal with pwME. This in turn would feed back to the charities and apprise them of real need.


Another advantage of a one-point contact for support-services for pwME is that it would more likely be used by G.P.s, hospitals and social-services, especially if publicised to them, to direct sufferers/patients/clients to sources of assistance. However, at least in respect to medics, there is nevertheless a large amount of scepticism amongst them towards the UK M.E. charities that needs to be addressed. Perhaps seeing the charities work together to establish a buddy system might alter or improve medical opinion.


This scepticism is shared by many pwME due to the nature and structure of the charities. They are not DPOs, that is Disabled Peoples Organisations, bodies whose constitution requires that both their membership and their board must consist of a majority of disabled folk. 


I have been diagnosed with ME/CFS since 1998 and previously with post-viral fatigue syndrome (PVFS). How many pwME might still be alive if they had but had a buddy, an advocate, a help-meet, a support? To my knowledge the leading UK charities have taken no action to creäte a much needed & long-overdue buddy system. Yes they have telephone and email routes via which one might be able to access limited help & support. But if there is a buddy system, it is very much hidden.


How much longer will these charities, ostensibly speaking on behalf of pwME, need before they take pro-active & pragmatic action? The queer communities set up buddy systems in a matter of months. What is holding back the M.E. Charities?


*



The big three charities and a quotation from each one follow.



Action for ME since 1987 (and the link to their website https://www.actionforme.org.uk/ ):


“We are here for people living with M.E.

We're working to ensure adults, children, young people and families living with the illness are supported during this unprecedented time, and beyond. Get connected to Action for M.E. services, support and resources by phone, email and online, including peer-support and services local to you.”


The M.E. Association since 1976 (and the link to their website https://meassociation.org.uk/ ):


“The ME Association is here to support people through all stages of their illness because we desperately want to see everyone get the help they need and, through research, help to develop an effective treatment and one day even a cure.”



Forward-ME since 2008 (& the link to their website https://forward-me.co.uk/ ):


“We exist to present one voice to anyone keen to know more about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis known as ME, sometimes referred to as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS, representing a number of UK charities and organisations in an alliance that together unites us in a common cause to ease the suffering of patients, and in time, find a cure.”




Saturday, 6 May 2023

Thoughts on the Coronation


Charles has his work cut out for him if he wishes to ameliorate the reputation of the royals amongst UK citizens.


*


According to the US newscaster CNN’s article from 5th May, the day prior to the coronation:


“Britons’ support for the monarchy is in long-term decline”


“More than one-third of UK adults (36%) say their opinion of the family has become more negative than it was 10 years ago…”


“… 37% of those age 35-54 and just 31% of those younger than 35 say they intend to watch the event, as an increasing number of young Britons express their indifference to or dislike for an institution they say has no relevance in their lives.”


“More than half (55%) of UK adults younger than 25 say that they don’t consider the royal family a good source of leadership and guidance, a view shared by just 36% of those aged 55 or older.”


*


“A member of Operation Golden Orb organising committee told The Sun that the ceremony may have cost £100 million. But separate unverified sources have suggested an even higher bill, of up to £250 million, partly because of the vast security costs.”


*


Today the Manchester Evening News, known as the M.E.N., writes:


“Taking place amid the cost-of-living crisis facing the UK and against a backdrop of strikes by doctors, teachers and other public servants over pay, the King’s coronation has been branded a waste of taxpayers’ money by critics. More than half of Brits do not think it should be funded by the government, a poll has suggested. The YouGov survey found 51 per cent of adults questioned believe the ceremony should not be funded by the government, almost a third – 32 per cent – said it should, while around 18 per cent did not know.”


*


Per the Wikipedia item on coronation:


Most European monarchs do not have public coronations. They simply swear an oath.


They thus save their countries £/€ millions which can be spent elsewhere as needs be.


*


Looking at the last published accounts of Trussell Trust, the largest food-bank provider, it would appear that the monies spent on the coronation would have fed the UK’s food-poor for a year or so. Of course, that is simply a comparison. UKgov chooses not to feed the hungry (despite being a signatory to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights). At any time it could ensure food to every UK citizen & resident. Instead the government spent the monies on adorning one single man!


*


Tuesday, 25 April 2023

Suïcida: a Poem on Suicidal Ideation


Trigger-warning: this poëm and commentary are about suïcidal ideätion and attempted suïcide. Read no further if the subject-matter might cause the reader pain or injury!



*



Suïcida



Suïcida, I am crazy to love you

You make me lonely;

You make me blue.

My head is splitting

What am I going to do?

Look what you have done to me!

Depression engulfs my mind;

Happiness no longer can I find.

I want so to break free

From you, but also from me.

Suïcida, please let me be!


Insanity, Eternity closer to me loom.

I take the elixir in my empty room

I swallow more and more;

The Siren calls me from her distant shore

Oh, listen to that soporific call!

The Depths entrance me

I fall, I fall

Only to be embraced in Your life-giving love;

From Hell, I am lifted to Your kingdom above.


In my deepest despair

Lord, You were there,

For You are the One

Who will always care;

Whatever happens,

However I fair

I have no need to worry,

For You are eternally there.



*



I wrote this poëm in my late teenage-years, as such it is an example of juvenilia. At the time I repeatedly attempted to kill myself. Severe, serious & on-going abuse from both parents was seriously impacting my amour-propre. It did not help me that they constantly re-iterated that I should never amount to anything. (I eventually went to university - something they did their darnedest to prevent - and qualified to become the teacher, the vocation I had desired to pursue from my junior-school years.) They never did anything to inculcate self-worth; they never expressed love (storgē); with a couple of rare instances, they never publicly supported me. The folk who are supposed to love a child, did not; rather they actively hated me. I never had the predisposition, the energy nor compulsion to hate, but I certainly had no respect for those that begat me.


The style in which this poëm is written feels like an atavistic precursor to my current poëtic technique. Nevertheless, rather than tweak these verses to align with my current beliefs, I consider it best to leave this creätion as is.


I no longer believe in a theïstic G_d: in that sense I am an apostate. Were I to scribe these verses now, the final stanza would not even be a thought nor even a reflection upon my past self.


However, whilst this poëm is an amalgam of several suïcide-attempts, the one that comes to mind when I re-read it is when I spent a night throwing up after taking an overdose of any and every painkiller I could lay my hands upon in the familiar bathroom-cabinet. A couple of close friends only know that I saw an angel and he repeatedly punched my stomach so as I should vomit the sirenic concoction. I threw up until the dawn’s rays. Then I slept. I slept one of the calmest, most contented slumbers of my whole sentient life.


At the risk of sounding unhinged, I have seen angels (and ghosts and rarely dæmons) throughout my whole life since being a small boy. Angels have appeared at times when I have been crushed one way or another. But, of course, the existence of angelic beïngs does not support belief nor unbelief in a divine entity.


For many years I have described myself as a humanistic pantheïst. Pantheïsm in this sense is the belief that the divine permeätes the Cosmos. Many of the elements in our atoms were creäted in supernovæ prior to reaching Earth. Hence we are all part of, all one with the Universe. I also believe in mankind, hence the qualifier in respect to humanism. Man can be evil, but humankind also has the option to do Good. And, as a Quaker, I truly believe that the Good is worth believing in. We can all be better than we are, individually and collectively.


As a tonic to my anxiëty & depression, I have ended here with words of Hope.


I continue to battle my desire for oblivion…




Monday, 17 April 2023

Is it time to die?


Without anti-anxiety medication for more than four months, my anxiety-levels are sky-high. No doubt I am also now clinically depressed. Alas, there is no point requesting medications from my G.P. (family-doctor), as there is no-one, no agency to give me my meds and ensure I take them. (Recall I am bedridden and most of the time do not have access to water.)

Without my anxieties (general & social) being under control, my ability to communicate - other than short blasts of text via social-media in situations that do not aggravate my stress-levels - is all but stymied as well as diminishing. My Fitbit is recording massive energy-usage despite my not leaving my bed. Stress is quite literally burning up my body. Over all, I continue to lose body-weight - well, between only one meal per day on average (sometimes up to 2 days without food) and my body’s reäction to stress, hardly surprising!

Then there is the constant pain. The list below contains the ones I have been experiencing of late. I have pain-patches which massively reduce but never completely obliterate the pain in my lower spine. Without the pain-relief I am in agony in aforesaid area.

For a year or so I have been contemplating suïcide on a regular basis - my G.P., hospital consultant and the relevant authorities were apprised but took no action. Suïcidal ideätion now plagues me several times each and every single day. I am having to use up my precious reserves of energy and my limited cognitive-abilities to try to convince myself to live. Much of the same resources are required as I try to recall to sip what little water I have throughout the day. (Remember I do not feel hunger nor thirst, so do not receive physiological prompts.)

To this end, I have drawn up lists of pros and cons for killing myself. This is because I cannot always recall the good - though always can recall some of the bad. At least in the short-term I have events to which I can look forward. This gives me a glimmer of hope, a reason to stay at least for the short-term.

Bhupesh Prusty is expected to announce the discovery of a genetic-marker for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis AND a potential drug to treat symptoms within the next month as well.

Thereafter, I anticipate little that is positive for myself. I am not sure how I shall convince myself to stick around at that point. Anyhow, I ought to be here for at least the next month or so…

Heigh-ho!

Cons:


Cons

[Close friend’s] support

[Closest children in my life]

[Long-term friend’s] visit end of April

[Neighbour & good friend’s] support

[Neighbours’] suïcide trauma

Austrian chums

Benalmadense chums

EUROVISION in May

Green Party speaking up for everyman

Local Ombudsman possibility

M.E. Biomedical research

NICE partially correcting previous errors

Police support ?

Possible M.E. genetic-marker tbc

Possible M.E. treatment tbc

Quakers

Rejoin (EU) movement

SM chums









Pros:



Pro

Personal

Allergies, year round

Personal

Anxiety-attacks, constant triggers


BBC failings

Personal

Bedridden


Biopsychosocial model crap believed, spread & esteemed despite zero evidence-base

Personal

Blind always down


BREXIT / Brexshitters


Charity sector politicisation & failings

Personal

Communication Inability


Conservative / Tory Party failings

Personal

Cooking inability


CQC failings c. 2 years

Personal

Depression 


Disabilism / ableism rife

Personal

Disability barriers e.g. with online bank, town-centre, etc.

Personal

Dressing inability


DWP attiitude & ongoing failings

Personal

Dysfunctional thus unsupportive family


Economic illiteracy widespread


Envirnomental stupidity


Failure of democracy in UK & no prospect of amelioration


G.P. & Surgery attitudes & failings

Personal

Gardening inability

Personal

Housebound


Housemate attitude


Housemate behaviours

Personal

IBS, discomfort


Labour Party failings

Personal

Lack of drinks

Personal

Lack of food

Personal

Lack of social interaction


Liberal Demcocrat Party failings

Personal

Limited baths

Personal

Limited mouthwashing

Personal

Loss of fine motor-skills

Personal

Loss of independence 

Personal

Loss of muscle-mass

Personal

Loss of sensation


M.E. Charities’ failings, ongoing


Media bias, esp. MSM

Personal

Memory inability 

Personal

No bedclothes changes

Personal

No counselling 

Personal

No dentist

Personal

No dreams

Personal

No fresh-air

Personal

No haircut

Personal

No medications

Personal

No music (severely limited)

Personal

No nature

Personal

No pedicure/manicure

Personal

No physiotherapy 

Personal

No radio (severely limited)

Personal

No showers

Personal

No teeth-brushing

Personal

No television (severely limited)

Personal

No washes

Personal

No wheelchair

Personal

Pain, bladder

Personal

Pain, breathing

Personal

Pain, hands

Personal

Pain, headaches

Personal

Pain, hips

Personal

Pain, hyperacusis

Personal

Pain, joints

Personal

Pain, lymph-glands

Personal

Pain, migraines

Personal

Pain, neuralgia 

Personal

Pain, ocular 

Personal

Pain, pelvic

Personal

Pain, photophobia

Personal

Pain, prostate

Personal

Pain, shins

Personal

Pain, sinuses

Personal

Pain, spinal

Personal

Pain, swallowing

Personal

Pain, teeth & gums

Personal

Pain, urethral

Personal

Painting & drawing inability

Personal

Panic-attacks, hours to calm down

Personal

Peeing in bed (bottle)

Personal

Penis curvature (aging)

Personal

Poetry inability


Political situation deteriorating & no prospect of amelioration 

Personal

Rashes, discomfort

Personal

Reading inability


Rule of Law collapse

Personal

Sleep issues


Social Care failings for a decade +


Social milieu deteriorating & no prospect of amelioration

Personal

Speech inability

Personal

Stress, almost everything

Personal

Thinking inability

Personal

Throat issues


Trafford CEO’s failings


Trafford Council Leader’s failings


Trafford Local Councillors’ failings


Trafford Re-ablement Team failings


Trafford Social Services failings for decade +

Personal

Trauma, childhood onwards

Personal

Trauma, gaslighting

Personal

Trauma, rapes

Personal

Trauma, sexual assaults

Personal

Travel inability

Personal

Vision issues

Personal

Writing inability