Gay Bars versus Apps

I randomly came across this video (click on link above to hear the discussion from Rise and Fall of “Men of the Den” on YouTube). You make good points.

As a disabled and queer person, I do not see gay bars in quite such a rosy light. I live in the suburbs of Manchester, England, which has its own gay Village. For me the vast majority of the venues and in some cases the actual streets are inaccessible to me.

When I have visited, prices are high - too high! And the area is inundated with groups of young wimmin, supposedly seeking safer spaces. Many LGBTI folk have deserted the Village and prefer to mix with straights in the less expensive, boho Northern Quarter. From my perspective, this area is far more disabled-accessible and thus disabled-friendly.

Living in the suburbs, there is a dearth of gay bars. However, I am fortunate to reside in an affluent and tolerant community. Nonetheless, it is very often difficult to know who is queer or straight these days for various reasons. So, for myself and others, using apps helps us make friends and acquaintances, folk with whom we chat online about art, politics and so forth. In my case, my housemate & I also have been introduced to queer neighbours and arranged a meet-up in our local pub. I have also used apps to make friends with folk in foreign lands prior to visiting on holidays.

Apps usually do not discriminate against disabled queers; bars often do discriminate due to lack of accessibility. For me there is no real-world gay community; there is however a very real online one.

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Bisexual Blues

Does anyone notice anything striking about the above chart? No, I am no tart: I have not experienced coitus with half the men mentioned (some names may have been altered), but there has been physical contact of a sexual nature or a declaration of love/lust from the gentlemen concerned. With the exception of Manuel, I have not even physically met any of the chaps in the 2010's as I have been too ill/disabled to do so.

So, any conclusions? Would you agree with me that there is ever such a slight bias towards the closeted bisexuals? I seem to attract them like bees to the flowers in my garden. Is it my man-musk, my pheromones, my epicene features, my psyche, something else? Well, whatever it is, I find it difficult to attract out gay guys.

For the last few years I have been doggedly refusing to entertain non-out bi guys with the result being zero sex. During my three month sojourn in Spain, all the non-out men who wanted sex, also requested discretion as their wives & families did not know. I excused this behaviour in a facebook posting a month or so ago:

I am surprised just how many young(ish) Spaniards are still closeted here. More than half the locals have no image on GAYDAR and most of the rest post images of parts of their bodies (thankfully rarely the rudey bits!). Spain is one of the least homophobic countries in the world; but the machista/macho culture is still very strong here. Straight (rich &/or connected) men are the hegemony! Such a shame for lives to be blighted…

In a similar vein, I noticed that nigh on all the GAYDAR entries are either for non-out bisexuals or bi-curious, only a minority openly declare as gay.

Pondering on the issue has also brought me to the conclusion, that these men are intrinsically weak however physically strong they are with all their show-off gym-work. Where is the strength of character to be true to themselves, to honour themselves not just 'honour' their parents? Perhaps some of it is down to peer-pressure, but again I counter where is the demonstration of inner courage?

Mostly what irks me though, is that I am going to have to get off my high ethical horse and accept offers from non-out bisexuals - otherwise I am likely to go to my grave without ever having sex again!

Postcards from the Edges

As part of the Postcards from the Edges project being run by United Response, I have had a go at creating my own message on a postcard (below). It reads: NO-ONE WILL ASK YOUR OPINION, SO SHARE YOURS!

I was invited to add some commentary below my submission. It follows below:

"I am queer.

I am disabled.

I am doubly discriminated against.

Accessibility in the straight world is restricted.

In the LGBTI-world is nigh non-existent.

Access issues are not taken seriously by councils, businesses, developers, mainstream media nor even LGBTI organisations.

ACCESS NOW!

Thank you for reading. %)"

Why not create your own postcard message - one can use text only, images are not necessary.

Disabled and Gay Internet Dating &/or Amity

For the past two months I have been looking into several internet dating and/or friendship sites wondering how would I fare as a gay disabled person. I was somewhat circumspect as I pondered whether I might: be completely ignored; or, attract the kind of folk who only have a penchant for physical deformity, or, worse still, the kind of film (movie) psychos who are only out to get their kicks from murdering me! Yep, my imagination went running away with me and took me to irrational places. Nonetheless, I did proceed... cautiously!

©picturesdepot.com

[Image description: two male British police-officers walking hand in hand openly in a street; the photo appears to have been manipulated.]

Firstly I tried a nationally advertised dating site for men & women, gay & straight. I was quite clear in my profile description that I was disabled and gay. Rather surprisingly I was inundated with requests from heterosexual womenfolk. To me this seemed a tad sad: that these women are so desperate and/or lonely, that they will try to date a gay man, let alone one who is disabled. I do wonder whether other gay men find this or whether it may have been some atavistic mothering-instinct activating due to my being disabled.

Contrariwise, the men my age seemed terribly reticent about communicating: they would just return over and over again to view my profile even if I made first contact with them. The only guy I actually fancied turned out to be a serving police-officer who only wanted unconditional sex. And my attempts at making any friends proved fruitless. I moved on to another site after three weeks.

This time I plumbed for a men-only site for gay/bisexual/bi-curious guys, one advertised in magazines etc. It really was a bit of an eye-opener as every married, non-out bisexual in the NW seemed to pounce on me wanting sex (even though I had not selected that as one of my options), many with rather daring photographs of themselves that I am not at all sure they would have liked their mothers to have seen! Strange how every last one has been after discretion. Not sure a close-up of their member classes as discreet? Just today I had another one pop up - ay! I assume they think because I am disabled, I will not be able to cause any trouble, or, that I am so desperate I’ll take anything coming my way. Who knows?

However, I have made a couple of pen-pals in Spain, one of whom I am now on friendship (as opposed to acquaintanceship) terms. With the latter I am able to practise my Spanish in real-life conversations and I have broadened and developed my vocabulary.

Whilst Spanish chaps have been most amiable, the residents of another European country have been rather more taciturn. The Austrians are known for fiercely guarding their privacy: but one needs to open up a little in order to befriend others. I speak & write Austrian-German but that has not helped. I am left wondering whether the disability-thing is too unæsthetic for them?

Oddly, the most discomfiting experience on said site has been coming across blokes one knows. Perhaps it is just me, but I find this actually socially embarrassing. Outside of the virtual world one would not ignore them if one saw them; but in cyberspace there appear to be no secrets, and I am not certain I want to know the sexual fantasies, inside leg measurements and proclivities of Tom, Dick and Harry.

[Image description: a smiley face icon.]

Finally, about a fortnight ago, I signed up to a site specifically aimed at developing links to possible friends and/or dates. It’s not the easiest system to navigate; not quite intuitive. Still, I gradually worked it out. Not desperately sure of the etiquette either, as different sites seem to have their own norms of behaviour. I have sent out one or two smiley faces; but thus far no response. However, I’m not yet disheartened, as perhaps, like myself, the members do not go on every day. 

I have been contacted again by both straight men & women even though I have again made it very clear I am homosexual (no option for declaring bisexuality). I have politely pointed out this fact and that no umbrage taken if they do not wish to pursue acquaintanceship. Some guy in Africa decided I was not the type of platonic friend he wanted! Another guy admitted his own developing sexuality, and we’ve continued to chat via the ‘net. Well, after all, it’s all about finding others with whom we feel comfortable, I suppose. 

Of the three sites, I feel most at ease in the third as nearly all the folk are disabled physically and/or mentally, so do not have to explain all that. Unfortunately, the number of gay disabled men on the site is very small and then when one narrows down to those of a similar age, there are even less.

I suppose there is probably a need for a gay/bisexual/bi-curious disabled folk’s contact site. If there is one out there, please let me know!

Men Fake Orgasms Too.

An interesting statistic was revealed by the BBC recently: just as women do from time to time, apparently men sometimes fake orgasms (Britain Unzipped). In a demonstration of the dumbing down at the UK’s national public broadcaster, this information was broadcast on the youth channel, BBC3, with no explanation (failing to fulfil Auntie Beeb’s educational remit). Indeed, the presenters seemed completely unable to comprehend how a man could fake an orgasm.

I suspect that the two male hosts did not understand what an orgasm actually is and were confusing orgasm with ejaculation. An orgasm is not necessarily an experience solely centred around the genitals, but can affect muscles around the body and thus can be experienced throughout one’s physicality. These are the physiological orgasmic responses. However, additionally, orgasms are part psychological: a reaction and interaction of mind and emotions.

One can ejaculate without experiencing orgasm. For me this has happened on occasion when I have imbibed too much alcohol; when I’ve been clinically depressed; or, when taking certain medications. Obviously in such or similar circumstances, it is quite possible to fake orgasmic responses. I am reliably informed by straight women friends, that men do not generally whip off the condom and flash their ejaculate in front of their partner. And as a queer guy, I can concur with this observation in respect to my male partners.

Contrariwise, a man can orgasm without ejaculating or even having an erection. For many menfolk, whatever their sexuality, stimulation of their prostate can lead to la petite mort. Yet others can orgasm through nipple-stimulation. Obviously, in these circumstances it will be much more difficult to fake ejaculation, unless one is prone to pre-cumming.

As a disabled guy, often under the influence of medicaments, I cannot rely on erection and/or orgasm. This means I have had to explore my sexuality: kissing, frottage, licking, caressing... A sensuous exploration of pleasure. And it’s relatively safe-sex to that end. Orgasms are not the be-all-and-end-all.

"my queer straight mate"

my queer straight mate

he's straight

I am not

I fancy

him

he does not

fancy me

or does he

we hardly

know one another

only acquainted

recently

and yet he

wants to spend

New Year's Eve

with me

he knows I'm queer

he knows I lust after

him

why doesn't he

want to be

with his old friends

his golfing pals

his cricket chums

even his work mates

why spend it with me

a practical stranger

I'm straight

he does insist

so why continue

to let me persist

in fondling

in caressing

in kissing

in embracing

him

it's true

I must confess

he has the queerest

straightness

Sexual Eunuchs?

[Image description: wheelchair user icon with another person sitting on wheelie's lap facing wheelie.]

I imagined having a photograph at the top of this article. It would have been of two naked men having sex. Nothing unusual in that one may consider. However, I wanted one of the chaps to be in a wheelchair or at least visibly physically disabled. Alas, I could not track one down.

To me this was rather surprising. Inputting 'gay disabled sex' into the Google search-engine returned 178,000 hits. Over the first six pages only three items were serious articles, the rest were links to porn sites. I clicked on a few, but none really seemed to offer what was on the label, but rather were simply channelling able-bodied pornography.

Perhaps I should not have felt so astonished at my inability to locate a photo. The issue of straight (heterosexual) disabled sex only really started being the focus of feminist writers in the 1980's. No doubt I just have not found them, but the only article I discovered that directly referred to men was T. Shakespeare's 1999 article "The sexual politics of disabled masculinity". No wonder I could not find items relating to gay/bisexual/queer disabled menfolk! (Actually, after a subsequent brain-wave, I did locate some academic research articles via Google Scholar (q.v.).)

We seem to be almost invisible, at least to the mainstream. Why is this? I rarely frequent Manchester's gay village as many of the venues are not accessible. Moreover its streets are uneven, and I am likely to fall when able to walk and I am too embarrassed/proud to be wheelchaired, as I prefer to be independent and wheel myself when needing to use my chair. I am not saying they do not exist, but I have never seen anyone in a wheelchair there. Nor anyone with dark glasses and a white cane. I have never seen an amputee. Nor someone physically mutated by pharmaceuticals. I have never seen an obvious burns victim. Never even seen someone else walking with a stick. The only visibly disabled folk I have observed in bars are the deaf, with their hearing-aids and signing.

Perhaps gay culture's obsession with the body beautiful is at fault? Or, perhaps it is we disabled folk's fault: for not asserting our right to participate, to be accepted; for not accepting ourselves in our physicality and sexuality; for not pursuing alternative eroticisms?

Research has demonstrated that most able-bodied pity we disabled or, worse, abuse us. We are objects for charity. Certainly not erotic objects of desire. Usually we are perceived as being child-like or asexual - 'sexual eunuchs' if you will.

Many factors militate against disabled minds and bodies being able to engage in sexual relations, including: accessibility; negative attitudes; transport; assistance; and, above all, trying to find that willing desirable someone. (All of these could be the germ of an article in themselves.)

Manchester has dozens of support groups for gay this, queer that; but I could unearth only one for disabled folk, the hearing-impaired. (Bless 'em!) However, there is nothing I could join. I once wrote to the main Mancunian LGBT support group enquiring whether they knew of any gay disabled groupings. They did not even bother to reply. (This particularly hurt because, when able-bodied, I used to do volunteer work on their behalf.)

I perceive myself as almost imperceptible: partly due to being mainly house-bound; partly because I do not feel able to fully express who I am. I'm not after sex three times a day, once a week, even once a month; but every now and then would be a great start. I still have needs and desires. My disability did not geld me.

I wish I could have found that image of queer wheelchair sex in the real world, not just in my head...


This article is part of "Blogging Against Disablism Day".