TRIGGER WARNING
Discussion of mental-health crises, suïcidal ideätion & suïcide attempts. Do not read any further if these subject matters may cause distress or harm.
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As of the date of publication, I have gone 170 days without medications due to withdrawal of social-care support by Trafford Council. This means nearly six months without inter alia anti-anxiety medication. A week ago my G.P. made a home-call and was here for between ninety minutes and two hours. We went through a whole slew of symptoms and conditions, but not everything; just the more urgent matters. The doctor advised me they would arrange for revised prescriptions with my pharmacist. These were to include anti-anxiety medication. A week later and still no meds. Apparently, the G.P. only sent through the prescriptions yesterday as they wanted to await my blood-tests. Given my suïcidal ideätion, one might have thought that there might be a sense of urgency. But one would be incorrect.
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Due to abuse, sexual-assaults & rapes I suffered from childhood onwards, in my late-teenage years and in my twenties, I attempted suïcide on multiple occasions, including overdoses, attempted drowning and even a self-stabbing. I eventually sought help from my then G.P., who did her best to support me.
At the end of the nineties I finally succumbed to a nervous-breakdown and received treatment from both a psychiatrist (mostly a waste of time) and a psychologist (extremely helpful) after a short-stay in a mental-health ward. I received cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and learned techniques to help control my thoughts, to some extent, and which I still try to implement. We addressed many issues including my abusive, overbearing & downright toxic parents. (I previously blogged about this in “Toxic Individuals; Toxic Affinities”.) My psychiatrist, my psychologist and my then G.P. all agreed that I ought to disassociate with my toxic family-members. I followed the advice. Within six months my G.P. commented that he had never seen me so confident. Indeed, I had never been so.
At the turn of the millennium, I was no longer depressed. In fact, I did not have a depressive episode again until 2006, after changing residences and moving to a new area away from my support-network. Thankfully it only lasted a matter of months. I suspect I am depressed again at this juncture (2022-3). I feel helpless & hopeless much of the time.
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Lack of Action by Healthcare
In a letter to my current G.P., dated 20th August 2021 (some 21 months ago), I wrote:
“8 Anxiety &. Panic-attacks
Anxiety was an issue I missed out, as apprised, of my long letter from earlier in the year and I noted that I needed to update you.
Because of the nature of this letter, I do not wish to go into details, but even prior to the change in SS regimen I was having increased levels of anxiety. However, since the change, my stress levels have hit the roof and I am now having a panic-attack roughly every 2-4 days, even waking up in the midst of them.
I suspect that my [medication] dose needs to be upped, at least for the foreseeable future. Please let me know what you think. I should really rather not change medication at this point as I have sufficient on my plate with which to deal. I hope that is fair.”
I again wrote to my G.P. in October 2021 (some 19 months ago):
“Anxiety & Depression
I am still regularly having panic-attacks and have started having dark thoughts. I feel bullied by Trafford ASS and this has rekindled all sorts of memories of my parental-abuse. A couple of times in the past month I have felt suicidal. Both times during particularly nasty migraines. However, I am concerned about spiralling.
Additionally, three or four years ago, you were going to organise some counselling in the Summer (May to September) months (usually my most alert time of the year). However, this did not come to pass. Perhaps this could be arranged for Summer 2022.
I definitely need something to calm me down now though and to help me stop over-thinking so much.
Please advise.”
In 2022 I revised and fully updated my spreadsheet of some 100+ current conditions & symptoms. I forwarded it to both my G.P. & my NHS hospital consultant, my two lead health-care professionals (HCPs), in an email dated 17th September 2022 (some 8 months ago) along with an email-letter detailing failures in my care régime and a serious deterioration in my health. Listed therein is suïcidal ideätion.
As far as I know my HCPs took no action. Certainly my anti-anxiety medication remained at its low rate. My anxiety & stress-levels continued to rise, with the not unreasonable assumption that the medics simply did not care adding to my distress.
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Lack of Support by Social-Care
In June 2022 (some 11 months ago) I wrote a long letter in which the following was included. The missive was sent to Trafford Council, my local councillors and the leader of the council. Later a copy of the aforementioned health-issues spreadsheet was also sent to them.
“MENTAL HEALTH
Background
I have a personal history of mental-health issues including OCD, Anxiety, Social-Anxiety, Depression and multiple suicide-attempts. I have a personal history of child-abuse, teenage-abuse, adult-abuse, sexual-assaults and rapes. At the end of the 1990s, after my last suicide-attempt and a mental-breakdown, I was hospitalised to give me a space in which to recover. From this I was referred to a local Mental-Health Trust. A wonderfully supportive psychologist spent a year using CBT-techniques to help bring me back into the outside world.
Depression
Since 2000, I have only once been sufficiently depressed to request (prescription-medicine only) support from my G.P. This occurred after moving home, the second-most stressful type of event after separation/divorce. It lasted but a few months whilst I became comfortable in my new world. As soon as I felt able, I apprised my G.P. that I was reducing the depression meds in order to fully come off them.
Anxiety
On the other hand, I have periodic prolonged anxiety, at which points I have contacted my G.P. to increase my anti-anxiety medication. Similarly, once I have felt more my normal self, I have then requested a reduction in the medication.
However, when I last wrote to the selfsame G.P., she advised me that we are all extra stressed at the moment and did nothing for me.
Suicidal Ideation
I have moved from being circa 85% bed-bound to some 95% bedridden. In Autumn of 2019, my G.P. agreed to refer me for a new inside wheelchair. My current chair is too large and unwieldy for use inside. I am still waiting for a referral. Had I had a usable wheelchair during these past couple of years, I could have gone downstairs more frequently, even out into my disabled-friendly garden constructed to support my needs. Instead I am trapped in what I cutely call my “bed-cell”!
I have increasingly been plagued by intrusive thoughts about suicide, dreams about my own or friends’ suicides and a waxing-waning obsession with death.
However, if my own G.P. is reluctant to support me, I really feel hopeless about my situation going forward.”
As far as I know they did nothing.
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Despite being so shoddily treated by Trafford Council, I wrote with some suggestions to the care-manager, the leader of the council and one of my local councillors:
“You have collectively not made one visible effort to support me. Hardly a shock to me. People that do not think it important to feed & water a caree, surely do not care a hoot about emotional, spiritual & mental distress!
My constructive-criticism here is that you:
(i) draw up standing instructions on how to d/w distressed &/or suïcidal folk;
(ii) this is widely & thoroughly disseminated not just among employees but councillors too;
(iii) get outside support from a #SuicidePrevention org to train staff & councillors.”
They did not respond to my suggestions. Nor did they take action for other clients as far as I can tell. They did however advise me that they would not communicate the issue with my G.P. Indeed, my G.P. confirmed last week that they did not get in contact with her at all, whether to discuss my deteriorating health or my alleged negative behaviours. It would seem they only play lip-service to safeguarding clients.
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So, I am left to struggle - without healthcare nor social-care - with my personal demons.
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I recently contacted a long-term friend, who valiantly came over to see me for a few days. She has agreed to and taken on the role of my advocate, so someone is at least now speaking up for me. She is shocked at the sclerotic pace at which agencies act given the seriousness of the situation.
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No wonder so many folk succeed in killing themselves.
[Image description: the author abed.]
Am I still suïcidal? On and off. I am still having emotional outbursts. I am still bursting into weeping several times per day, often without an apparent stimulus. But I am still able to talk myself out of taking drastic action.
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[Edit 30.05.2023]
@RoyalCollegeOfGeneralPractitioners @GeneralPharmaceuticalCouncil
So, heading towards a fortnight since my G.P.’s visit (18th inst.) and still no meds. Transpires pharmacy had the prescription on hold waiting on clarified instructions from surgery. No urgency whatsoever - stuff the fact that the patient is suïcidal! FFS
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