“I become immortal in your arms.”

 “I become immortal in your arms.”

words:

what words can I use

which words can convey

a feeling

my feelings for you

my feelings about you

how could you understand

how could you become wholly aware

what is in my mind

what is in my heart

to be fair

I am unsure myself

though I feel certain

you are playing at life

the court-jester’s part

but no-one is laughing

at your tragedy

I tried to reach your imagination

to stimulate your inner-self

and help set You free

in life’s affirming consummation

it seems amity was not to be

the law of life is Time

and we ran out of it

paradoxically

the clock-hands were moving

too fast for me

insufficient time

too slowly for you

too much time

to fill

∆

I sought You

offered myself

more and more persistently

revealed my fathomable profundity

but this just made you hide

within the confines

of your disabling fear

you dared nor drop the barrier

for love can be so very painful

and death appears

an easier, more comfortable option

well so you’d confide

really

we’re not that different

for both of us

the answer lies in or near suïcide

a deliberate action

or a longed-for incident

still the same self-destruction

∆

you look forward to an early death

and from life your requirements

are limited to

copious amounts of alcohol

and frequent, if unsatisfying, sex

intercourse as often as possible

or your preferred hand

stimulating your nether region

spilling ejaculate onto your abdomen

accompanied by imagery

of the unknown famous

of the known personally

so what if your life’s a mess

the chaötic duality

death and sex

can only lead to distress

you are cursed

not by God

not by others

but by your Self

by the deeds you have committed

and by the acts you have omitted

you rejected salvation

too much effort

incapable of renunciation

of your days of yore

a past that constantly tore

at your amour-propre

∆

I have been shackled by

the constraints of our acquaintanceship

no matter how hard I tried

to nurture mutual fellowship

a philial marriage

of like-minded spirits

or so you led me to believe

you withheld companionship

and stunted reciprocity

nothing, at least very little of You

came to me

freely

each fact

had to be extracted

torturously slowly

by deliberate act

how much of the knowledge of You

is inference

very occasionally

you’d make a direct reference

to some event in your past

but on the whole

just like your semen

from your conquests

you withheld

your Self

from first to the very last

∆

intimate coïncidence

results from loving

but basically

we had a monologue

steeped in inebriation

and you’d participate

in duologue

but the truth warps

and honesty fades

in drunkenness

∆

as is my nature

I contracted your worries

your anxiëties

your ineluctable loneliness

till they percolated my whole being

and insistently ate

into my world-weary flesh

for a day or so anorexic

another day bulimic

ejecting any matter

that might reïnstate

unsolicited health

still

I lusted for more

of the thorny knowledge of You

and counted each new endowment

as a miser his futile wealth

∆

it was your choice

to relinquish

my soul

the totality of my parts

you felt unable to cherish

these queer lips

that tried to speak to you

these queer hands

that tried to touch you

these queer arms

that tried to embrace you

this queer heart

that tried to move you

I communicated my love

on more than one occasion

but it was not enough

usually you replied

I know

but three times

you averred

I love you too

but the statement of hate

caused me

to collapse internally

We can never be close

without explanation

then seeing my face

you repented somewhat

and attempted

to soften the blow

Let’s be casual friends

…

What?

∆

I grieve for what will not be

for those things I planned for you

a leisurely walk

a swim

a Shiatsu massage

a body-painting

a blood-bond

for those things we planned to do

together

watch a soccer-match

maybe at Wembley

learn to ride a horse

play computer-games on my telly

there may be facets of my Self

I now will never know

∆

some doors open

while others close permanently

the trick is not to get locked inside

relationships going nowhere

we have to continually revise

the index of our affinities

try to forget the gestures, the smiles

of each erstwhile friend

sigh a sentimental sigh

heave a melancholy breast

smile a knowing-smile

and lay the happy memory to rest

longings must be put to an end

save for the occasional message

we may send

in the dreamworld

∆

I bid you luck

the generous touch of fate

and hope sincerely

old mate

you find what it is

you truly desire

some sweet, as yet undiscovered end

perhaps a lover or a good friend

or the peaceful rest

slumber of eternal nothingness

∆

and so to end it

the final goodbye

to endure in my mind’s-eye

the intolerable infection

suppurating memory

time’s eternal cost

causing me to deeply sigh

at this infernal loss

in futurity’s reflection

an equivocal immortality

_______________________________________

The title is a quotation from Ovid.

_______________________________________

As per my traditional custom, my first blog-post of the year is a poëm. I chose this particular one because it talks of a stormy past and a brighter future. Given what the World has been going through these past couple of years, this seemed appropriate.

This is by far the longest piece of poëtry I have published here. I do hope one or two of my readers will plough (plow) through it. Do give me any feed-back, even if you dislike it. Constructive-criticism is always welcome - it might not be followed, but I always ponder.

A tad late, but wishing all my readers, returning or first-time, a very good new year!

Blogging Against Disablism Day 2016

Blogging Against Disablism Day 2016 (#BADD2016) is this coming Sunday, on 1st May. I shall be hosting a gallery of artworks, "And now: the Gallery", which I hope may speak to folk with disabilities &/or chronic illnesses as well as a blog-post on "Art for All".

This year Blogging Against Disablism Day has taken the exciting step of branching out on to Tumblr at bloggingagainstdisablismday.tumblr.com.

The event can also be found as usual on Facebook at facebook.com/BloggingAgainstDisablismDay.

And of course the event will be as ever live-tweeted on Twitter at twitter.com/BADDtweets.

The main archive will be hosted by Goldfish on Diary of a Goldfish. There you can also search through the archives for previous years, where there are lots of stimulating, interesting and still relevent blog-posts.

I hope you'll join in on Sunday, either as a contributer or as a reader or maybe both.

%D

 

A Disillusioned Activist: Falling Down the Rabbit-Hole

Anxiety

Since the increase in anti-disabled polemic in the UK, some five years or so ago, I have had to go back on to anti-anxiety medication.

This past week I sold my mobility-scooter, as for the past few years I have been unwilling to use it. This was due to ongoing verbal abuse every time I have used it on my own since the ConDem co-alition came to power. Obviously such attacks shake one's confidence and adversely affect one's independence. The official statistics suggest that there has not actually been an increase in disability discrimination year on year since 2010 - although very slowly the number of crimes reported to the police services has been increasing. So it must just be me & my friends who are experiencing the increase!

On top of these personal and main-stream media (MSM) attacks, my anxiety has been exacerbated by the topsy-turvy nature of politics both here in the UK, in Europe, in the USA, and in Oceania. Logic, rationality, reasonableness, evidence and proof have all been thrown out, to be replaced by extremist ideologies, dogma, propaganda, spin, outright lies and MSM manipulation (including by the once fairly unbiased BBC - see my blog-posts January 2013, February 2013, August 2013, October 2013, June 2014, August 2015), let alone the usual political rhetoric and polemic. How can one respect authority, when the powers-that-be cannot respect the electorate: one simply cannot.

Activism

For the past few years I have turned to activism - attending my first ever political demo only a few years ago. Since then, whilst I have attended a handful of protests or demonstrations, due to my chronic ill-health and ongoing disabilities I have mainly acted in the rôle of bedtivist (I am bed-bound for the majority of the year).

I have learned to use my blog, twitter, G+ and of course facebook, and latterly linkedIn, to attempt to apprise, share and promulgate alternative perspectives, evidence, reports and harrowing tales of discrimination and in some cases death at the hands of the state apparatus, mostly via the dreaded and notorious Department for Work & Pensions (or DWP).

In some senses, I am one of the fortunate disabled in the UK: I can afford to engage legal assistance. Most folk who need such, no longer have access to Legal Aid to claim what is rightly theirs. I know myself that I was too ill to pursue appeals with the DWP, so had to let benefits to which I was entitled go by the by in the 1990s. Even now though, I live in dread, as most other chronically sick &/or disabled folk, of the brown envelopes from the DWP or even worse the white ones from ATOS/CAPITA/MAXIMUS - the private companies paid to assess one's fitness-to-work.

Illness & Disability

I have a neurological illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 G93.3).

I have a nervous system illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 G72.3).

I have musculoskeletal illnesses (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 M15, M16, M17, M18 & M19).

I have a connective tissue illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 M79.7).

I have a circulatory system illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 I73.0).

I have a digestive system illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 K58).

I have a respiratory symptom illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 R07.1).

I have a mental disorder illness (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 F06.7).

I have mental & behavioural disorder illnesses (categorised by W.H.O. at ICD-10 F40, F41 & F42).

The chances of me ameliorating permanently are slight at this juncture - obviously precluding any medical advances or divine intervention. My health is so complex and its management so complicated, I have two lead heath-care professionals (HCPs) rather than the usual one. I keep a spreadsheet of all the illnesses, major symptoms and co-morbidities totalling eighty-five in all. The document includes: supporting evidence; frequency; treatment (if any); and, notes. It is thus, no doubt, quite clear the reason for keeping a record for ease of reference.

State Harassment & Warning from History

Despite all this, and the fact I am unlikely to ever be able to hold down a job ever again, the DWP still believes that I need to be constantly re-assessed. Each time this costs the UK tax-payer (I am one myself) hundreds of pounds, even though the outcome is known - not fit to work. This of course is financial madness, as well as being medical lunacy. But the extremist politicos continue their harangue against we spongers and idlers (recalling the NAZI polemic against Germany's disabled in the run-up to WWII).

Some four years ago I posted the following on my facebook page:

[Image description:  barbed wire graphic; the text reads -

First they came for the disabled,

and I didn’t speak out -

because I wasn’t disabled.

Then they made millions unemployed,

and I didn’t speak out -

because I had a job.

Then they came for the NHS,

and I didn’t speak out -

because I wasn’t ill.

Then they came for me

And there was no one left

to speak out for me.

]

WoWPetition

Many of my chums eventually signed the WoWPetition, which called for Parliament to debate the war on welfare (previously named social security and paid for via a specific tax called National Insurance contributions or NIC) and specifically calling for a cumulative impact assessment (cia) of all the government's changes and cuts to recipients. The petition gained way more than the necessary 100,000 confirmed signatures. The debate happened in February 2014. The ConDem government refused however to carry out the cia despite the debate having been won. Now under a Tory (Conservative) government WoWCampaign have started another petition to get the cia debated in this new session.

Political Disengagement

Poll after poll of the public finds majorities against the vast majority of cuts being implemented by the politicians. Up to and including the 2010 elections I had always read the parties manifestos prior to voting to ensure I was aware of their policies and aspirations. The ConDem government blithely ignored their 2010 documents and forged ahead with a co-alition document, which itself was never fulfilled. Prior to the election this year, the Tories promised this and that and already, after a mere six months, they have breached at least twenty of those promises. This makes the political manifesto moot and not worth the paper it is printed upon. If the political parties cannot be trusted to do what they say they will do, then how is the electorate supposed to decide for whom to vote?

Week in, week out, at Prime Minister's Questions (PMQs), in debates and in committees, we see politicians lying unashamedly in Parliament. They also lie to the MSM, some ministers of government even stoop so low as to feed mistruths and spun statistics to media outlets that will blindly regurgitate them. And there is no redress. There is absolutely nothing the voters can do about it. Parliament either cannot or refuses to hold the miscreants to account.

Now we have the Prime Minister threatening to shut down the second chamber if they do not do what he wants. The result would be no secondary oversight of potential legislation.

The Home Secretary, responsible for internal security, has now defined extremism so broadly that anyone who speaks out against the government, or even a department, can be labelled as an extremist, watched by the security services and subject to detention without trial.

The latest ministerial code advises ministers of the government that they may ignore issues of justice and international law - quite probably illegal, but the UK courts appear to be impotent.

This is NOT democracy: at best it is an oligarchy; at worst, we now have a totalitarian state.

Apathy

A couple of weeks ago, the Conservative Party conference was held in Manchester - a city in which they have not a single MP nor a single local councillor. A huge demonstration was organised with between 60,000 and 85,000 folk in attendance (depending whose estimate one accepts) in the city centre. This was the largest ever demonstration here. I invited 120 facebook friends, most of whom have complained of some aspect of the austerity agenda or other government polices. Only three attended.

This week the Chinese Premier visited Manchester with the UK's Prime Minister. I was too ill to personally attend the organised demo, so I offered to tweet (@criquaer) in support. Over two hours I typed one key at a time, 123 messages. I managed ten retweets (RTs). This really was not worth the exhaustion and pain that it entailed.

The Mercury is Dropping

The image above has been updated, as more and more of the UK population is effected by the austerity dogma:

[Image description: text as follows -

I NEVER SPOKE UP

First they came for the disabled & sick

and I didn’t speak out - because I was neither.

Then they cut legal aid and I didn’t speak out because

I don’t need any legal advice.

Then they came for the NHS and I didn’t speak out -

because I wasn’t sick

Then they came for the jobless [with sanctions, etc]

And I didn’t speak out because I had a job.

Then they came for the renters [with benefit caps &

bedroom tax] And I didn’t speak out because I don’t

rent a home.

They cut the Independent Living Fund and I didn’t

speak out because I’m not disabled

Then they took child benefit & tax credits

And I didn’t speak out because I have no children.

Then they came for the trade unions [ to stop strikes]

And I didn’t speak out because I’m not in a union.

Now they’ve come for me -

And tehre’s no one left to speak to me

{all sic}]

What Future?

My only slight hope for the UK is that Jeremy Corbyn, the new leader of the Labour Party, espouses policies that the vast majority of Brits also back - the electorate is to the left of all the neo-liberal parties. He is backed by the party's electorate but not by the party's parliamentarians. After May's local elections, we may be in a better position to feel more hopeful or equally despondent. However, I thoroughly expect him to be assassinated - I am turning into a cynic!

It looks as if my move to Scotland will remain on the cards, although a tad delayed. Although, that should not be taken to imply that I fully support all that the SNP are doing; they do at least actually still believe in and are attempting to support social justice.

Time to Say Farewell…

In the meantime, I do not feel or believe I can waste any of my very limited time & energy on activism, or at least not in its current form. Unless, I can be convinced otherwise, I shall shortly disassociate myself from all political &/or campaigning groups and turn off the notifications of activist chums, as well as refusing to read anything else on politics. There just seems no real point in continuing to hit one's head against the proverbial brick-wall...

[Image description: a red brick-wall]

Is DWP Harassing ESA Support Group Claimants?

I am not being starved by this contemptuous ConDem government's callous actions towards chronically sick &/or disabled folk due to being sanctioned. But I run the risk of being potentially sanctioned due to DWP incompetence, negligence or possibly harassment (if one believes the DWP are actually in control). The DWP appears to have a complete inability to deal with British citizens as individuals, but only as cases to be dealt with as quickly and as superficially as possible. The ConDems launched wide-ranging and extensive social security (they say 'welfare') reforms at the same time as cutting the number of workers able to deal with all the changes. The result unsurprisingly appears to be chaos. Folk are not waiting weeks for decisions and responses, but quite literally months. The DWP standard response is that they did not receive a letter - hence I send everything recorded, so know full well that they have received all my communications.

The latest instalment of my ongoing ESA50 saga follows. Today I finished drafting my response to a DWP letter which can be found below.

Dear Sir/Madam [I am unable to address this letter correctly as you failed to advise me as to by whom the letter was issued],

I was shocked, dismayed and then angry at receiving your letter dated 5th November on Friday 9th inst. in relation to a “Work-focused interview for Employment and Support Allowance claimants” as you caused me to have a full-blown panic-attack yet again and yet again I am presuming totally unnecsesarily.

My last communication from DWP in respect to ESA was ***’s letter of 4th April 2013, a copy of which is appended, in which he states, penultimate paragraph:

“You have been placed in the support group because your illness or disability restricts the possibility of working. This means you do not have to take part in any work-related activity…”

Nowhere in your current letter does it state, nor even imply, that this work-related interview is voluntary.

In the circumstances, I expect a full explanation as to why I am being harassed, given my health issues. Alternatively, if there has been a change of policy, please provide me with a copy of the relevant regulations as I have not seen nor heard anything about such a change. I can then take the matter up with Graham Brady MP.

I also append a copy of my letter of 10th - 27th April 2013 to *** Benefit Centre, which to date has remained unanswered. Perhaps you would be kind enough to provide me with the information I requested.

You should also be fully aware after all these years that I do NOT use the telephone due to disabilities. You failed to provide a reasonable alternative, i.e. an email address, and so are also in breach of disability legislation. You should review this matter urgently especially given that the Secretary of State desires that folk deal with benefit claims on-line.

Please ensure that your records are updated and confirm in writing that you have done so.

Given the number of failings by DWP and its agents in less than a year, I have to assume incompetency or negligence or deliberate harassment. If they continue I shall pursue all avenues open to me.

Yours faithfully,

Here are the scans of the DWP's letter:

If you would like to lend your support to those disabled &/or chronically sick folk, their carers and supporters who are fighting for a review of the way DWP treats individuals, please sign WoWpetition via wowpetition.com or via the official government epetition website. If you are a young carer or a child with a disability, you also can sign as long as you have your own email address and are a UK citizen.