Is it time to die?

Without anti-anxiety medication for more than four months, my anxiety-levels are sky-high. No doubt I am also now clinically depressed. Alas, there is no point requesting medications from my G.P. (family-doctor), as there is no-one, no agency to give me my meds and ensure I take them. (Recall I am bedridden and most of the time do not have access to water.)

Without my anxieties (general & social) being under control, my ability to communicate - other than short blasts of text via social-media in situations that do not aggravate my stress-levels - is all but stymied as well as diminishing. My Fitbit is recording massive energy-usage despite my not leaving my bed. Stress is quite literally burning up my body. Over all, I continue to lose body-weight - well, between only one meal per day on average (sometimes up to 2 days without food) and my body’s reäction to stress, hardly surprising!

Then there is the constant pain. The list below contains the ones I have been experiencing of late. I have pain-patches which massively reduce but never completely obliterate the pain in my lower spine. Without the pain-relief I am in agony in aforesaid area.

For a year or so I have been contemplating suïcide on a regular basis - my G.P., hospital consultant and the relevant authorities were apprised but took no action. Suïcidal ideätion now plagues me several times each and every single day. I am having to use up my precious reserves of energy and my limited cognitive-abilities to try to convince myself to live. Much of the same resources are required as I try to recall to sip what little water I have throughout the day. (Remember I do not feel hunger nor thirst, so do not receive physiological prompts.)

To this end, I have drawn up lists of pros and cons for killing myself. This is because I cannot always recall the good - though always can recall some of the bad. At least in the short-term I have events to which I can look forward. This gives me a glimmer of hope, a reason to stay at least for the short-term.

Bhupesh Prusty is expected to announce the discovery of a genetic-marker for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis AND a potential drug to treat symptoms within the next month as well.

Thereafter, I anticipate little that is positive for myself. I am not sure how I shall convince myself to stick around at that point. Anyhow, I ought to be here for at least the next month or so…

Heigh-ho!

Cons:

Cons

[Close friend’s] support

[Closest children in my life]

[Long-term friend’s] visit end of April

[Neighbour & good friend’s] support

[Neighbours’] suïcide trauma

Austrian chums

Benalmadense chums

EUROVISION in May

Green Party speaking up for everyman

Local Ombudsman possibility

M.E. Biomedical research

NICE partially correcting previous errors

Police support ?

Possible M.E. genetic-marker tbc

Possible M.E. treatment tbc

Quakers

Rejoin (EU) movement

SM chums

Pros:

	Pro
Personal	Allergies, year round
Personal	Anxiety-attacks, constant triggers
	BBC failings
Personal	Bedridden
	Biopsychosocial model crap believed, spread & esteemed despite zero evidence-base
Personal	Blind always down
	BREXIT / Brexshitters
	Charity sector politicisation & failings
Personal	Communication Inability
	Conservative / Tory Party failings
Personal	Cooking inability
	CQC failings c. 2 years
Personal	Depression
	Disabilism / ableism rife
Personal	Disability barriers e.g. with online bank, town-centre, etc.
Personal	Dressing inability
	DWP attiitude & ongoing failings
Personal	Dysfunctional thus unsupportive family
	Economic illiteracy widespread
	Envirnomental stupidity
	Failure of democracy in UK & no prospect of amelioration
	G.P. & Surgery attitudes & failings
Personal	Gardening inability
Personal	Housebound
	Housemate attitude
	Housemate behaviours
Personal	IBS, discomfort
	Labour Party failings
Personal	Lack of drinks
Personal	Lack of food
Personal	Lack of social interaction
	Liberal Demcocrat Party failings
Personal	Limited baths
Personal	Limited mouthwashing
Personal	Loss of fine motor-skills
Personal	Loss of independence
Personal	Loss of muscle-mass
Personal	Loss of sensation
	M.E. Charities’ failings, ongoing
	Media bias, esp. MSM
Personal	Memory inability
Personal	No bedclothes changes
Personal	No counselling
Personal	No dentist
Personal	No dreams
Personal	No fresh-air
Personal	No haircut
Personal	No medications
Personal	No music (severely limited)
Personal	No nature
Personal	No pedicure/manicure
Personal	No physiotherapy
Personal	No radio (severely limited)
Personal	No showers
Personal	No teeth-brushing
Personal	No television (severely limited)
Personal	No washes
Personal	No wheelchair
Personal	Pain, bladder
Personal	Pain, breathing
Personal	Pain, hands
Personal	Pain, headaches
Personal	Pain, hips
Personal	Pain, hyperacusis
Personal	Pain, joints
Personal	Pain, lymph-glands
Personal	Pain, migraines
Personal	Pain, neuralgia
Personal	Pain, ocular
Personal	Pain, pelvic
Personal	Pain, photophobia
Personal	Pain, prostate
Personal	Pain, shins
Personal	Pain, sinuses
Personal	Pain, spinal
Personal	Pain, swallowing
Personal	Pain, teeth & gums
Personal	Pain, urethral
Personal	Painting & drawing inability
Personal	Panic-attacks, hours to calm down
Personal	Peeing in bed (bottle)
Personal	Penis curvature (aging)
Personal	Poetry inability
	Political situation deteriorating & no prospect of amelioration
Personal	Rashes, discomfort
Personal	Reading inability
	Rule of Law collapse
Personal	Sleep issues
	Social Care failings for a decade +
	Social milieu deteriorating & no prospect of amelioration
Personal	Speech inability
Personal	Stress, almost everything
Personal	Thinking inability
Personal	Throat issues
	Trafford CEO’s failings
	Trafford Council Leader’s failings
	Trafford Local Councillors’ failings
	Trafford Re-ablement Team failings
	Trafford Social Services failings for decade +
Personal	Trauma, childhood onwards
Personal	Trauma, gaslighting
Personal	Trauma, rapes
Personal	Trauma, sexual assaults
Personal	Travel inability
Personal	Vision issues
Personal	Writing inability