“I become immortal in your arms.”

 “I become immortal in your arms.”

words:

what words can I use

which words can convey

a feeling

my feelings for you

my feelings about you

how could you understand

how could you become wholly aware

what is in my mind

what is in my heart

to be fair

I am unsure myself

though I feel certain

you are playing at life

the court-jester’s part

but no-one is laughing

at your tragedy

I tried to reach your imagination

to stimulate your inner-self

and help set You free

in life’s affirming consummation

it seems amity was not to be

the law of life is Time

and we ran out of it

paradoxically

the clock-hands were moving

too fast for me

insufficient time

too slowly for you

too much time

to fill

∆

I sought You

offered myself

more and more persistently

revealed my fathomable profundity

but this just made you hide

within the confines

of your disabling fear

you dared nor drop the barrier

for love can be so very painful

and death appears

an easier, more comfortable option

well so you’d confide

really

we’re not that different

for both of us

the answer lies in or near suïcide

a deliberate action

or a longed-for incident

still the same self-destruction

∆

you look forward to an early death

and from life your requirements

are limited to

copious amounts of alcohol

and frequent, if unsatisfying, sex

intercourse as often as possible

or your preferred hand

stimulating your nether region

spilling ejaculate onto your abdomen

accompanied by imagery

of the unknown famous

of the known personally

so what if your life’s a mess

the chaötic duality

death and sex

can only lead to distress

you are cursed

not by God

not by others

but by your Self

by the deeds you have committed

and by the acts you have omitted

you rejected salvation

too much effort

incapable of renunciation

of your days of yore

a past that constantly tore

at your amour-propre

∆

I have been shackled by

the constraints of our acquaintanceship

no matter how hard I tried

to nurture mutual fellowship

a philial marriage

of like-minded spirits

or so you led me to believe

you withheld companionship

and stunted reciprocity

nothing, at least very little of You

came to me

freely

each fact

had to be extracted

torturously slowly

by deliberate act

how much of the knowledge of You

is inference

very occasionally

you’d make a direct reference

to some event in your past

but on the whole

just like your semen

from your conquests

you withheld

your Self

from first to the very last

∆

intimate coïncidence

results from loving

but basically

we had a monologue

steeped in inebriation

and you’d participate

in duologue

but the truth warps

and honesty fades

in drunkenness

∆

as is my nature

I contracted your worries

your anxiëties

your ineluctable loneliness

till they percolated my whole being

and insistently ate

into my world-weary flesh

for a day or so anorexic

another day bulimic

ejecting any matter

that might reïnstate

unsolicited health

still

I lusted for more

of the thorny knowledge of You

and counted each new endowment

as a miser his futile wealth

∆

it was your choice

to relinquish

my soul

the totality of my parts

you felt unable to cherish

these queer lips

that tried to speak to you

these queer hands

that tried to touch you

these queer arms

that tried to embrace you

this queer heart

that tried to move you

I communicated my love

on more than one occasion

but it was not enough

usually you replied

I know

but three times

you averred

I love you too

but the statement of hate

caused me

to collapse internally

We can never be close

without explanation

then seeing my face

you repented somewhat

and attempted

to soften the blow

Let’s be casual friends

…

What?

∆

I grieve for what will not be

for those things I planned for you

a leisurely walk

a swim

a Shiatsu massage

a body-painting

a blood-bond

for those things we planned to do

together

watch a soccer-match

maybe at Wembley

learn to ride a horse

play computer-games on my telly

there may be facets of my Self

I now will never know

∆

some doors open

while others close permanently

the trick is not to get locked inside

relationships going nowhere

we have to continually revise

the index of our affinities

try to forget the gestures, the smiles

of each erstwhile friend

sigh a sentimental sigh

heave a melancholy breast

smile a knowing-smile

and lay the happy memory to rest

longings must be put to an end

save for the occasional message

we may send

in the dreamworld

∆

I bid you luck

the generous touch of fate

and hope sincerely

old mate

you find what it is

you truly desire

some sweet, as yet undiscovered end

perhaps a lover or a good friend

or the peaceful rest

slumber of eternal nothingness

∆

and so to end it

the final goodbye

to endure in my mind’s-eye

the intolerable infection

suppurating memory

time’s eternal cost

causing me to deeply sigh

at this infernal loss

in futurity’s reflection

an equivocal immortality

_______________________________________

The title is a quotation from Ovid.

_______________________________________

As per my traditional custom, my first blog-post of the year is a poëm. I chose this particular one because it talks of a stormy past and a brighter future. Given what the World has been going through these past couple of years, this seemed appropriate.

This is by far the longest piece of poëtry I have published here. I do hope one or two of my readers will plough (plow) through it. Do give me any feed-back, even if you dislike it. Constructive-criticism is always welcome - it might not be followed, but I always ponder.

A tad late, but wishing all my readers, returning or first-time, a very good new year!

Confronting Child-Abuse

I wrote the poëm below back in the late nineties or early noughties. It deals with the thorny issue of child-abuse. This covers physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual and neglect issues. Please do NOT read any further if these themes might cause distress.

Of late I am once again being pestered by bad-memories that come into my consciousness unsolicited. I dearly wish I could control them or ignore them. Lamentably, I cannot. A couple of years back I requested help from my G.P. (family doctor), but they failed to follow through in making the agreed arrangements. Since then, my health has deteriorated and then of course we had the global pandemic. The counsellors are currently rather busy. I shall pursue again in the future. My doctor knows I am not going to try anything I might regret. But if you need assistance as a matter of urgency, do not feel that you cannot ask. There is HOPE and there is support and you are entitled to it.

[Image description: contact page for CHILDLINE]

If you are a child in the UK (their definition is anyone under the age of nineteen), please call CHILDLINE on 0800-1111. It is run these days by the NSPCC. They give you advice and support either directly or they can direct you to the most appropriate assistance. From someone who along with my siblings was abused by parents in the days when there was no help for kids, we lobbied hard for this service. Even the abusers need help for their issues. Everyone receives the help they need. But someone has to make the call. Please do. Or if you cannot, ask someone you trust - a friend, or a valued teacher - to make the call on your behalf.

If the reader is an adult who has been abused, please be aware that there is lots of help and support available. Try an internet-search or contact your family-doctor for more information. I am not medically nor professionally trained to offer support. This blog-post offers my own perspectives and opinions.

*

they who look like me

empty photographs

I don’t remember your faces

I cannot recall

what you look like

then

only now

that you are not so potent

ageing and greying

faceless

I have to call you parents

though you don’t deserve the title

a right the state bestowed

without my assent

you ought to have been incarcerated

retribution for what you have done

separately and cumulatively

but arrest now would only harm me

still you think yourselves innocent

despite hypocritical Christianity

or

dissembling atheïstic libertarianism

you refuse to do penance

no proffered expiation

instead

it is I who am imprisoned

embondaged to the past

ever present and merciless

a personal hell I cannot escape

founded on your abuse

of one too young

too naïf

to understand

to make sense of the meaningless

actions, misdeeds to a psychë

who had done nothing wrong

too intelligent for my own good

so why was I steeped in so much guilt

how did you twist

control-freakery

that missed the point

storgē should protect

cover a multitude of sins

even had I erred in the first instance

the shadows move closer

claustrophobia re-asserts

but I see no mien

of love

just self-reflected hate

in the mirror of your lives

the man who looks like me

walks over to the squawking child

and slaps the boy

repeatedly

back in the forties

the man who looks like me

walks over to the tubby child

and slaps the girl

repeatedly

back in the fifties

when will the anger come

not aimed at myself this time

but against you

when the release

from pain

when peace

of mind

the only gain

I need to pursue

the man who looks like me

the woman who looks like me

walk over to the cowering children

and beat the siblings

black and blue

repeatedly

back in the sixties, seventies and eighties

living still in memory

they who look like me

*

Demisexuality: what is a Demisexual?

The following article discusses sex and sexuality in a frank manner. If the topic might offend, please do NOT read any further!

*

In the late 1970’s, when I was in my early- to mid-teens, one afternoon I was walking from school with my best chum H, when out of nowhere he suddenly enquired whether I was homosexual. I went to an all-boys school and, because I did not conform to the dominant, and chauvinistic, game-playing, violent masculinity of the era, it was assumed by most that I was gay. I answered (at the time) quite honestly that I was not. What I did not add was that at that time I was basically asexual. Avid readers of my blog will know that I was late to masturbation. For me it was a personal, sensual exploration of my body and what made it feel energised, vibrant and vivid. At no point did I consider fantasising about sex or interacting with others, male or female.

Labels

Over the years I have been asexual, bisexual (girlf & boyf at same time), heterosexual and homosexual. To be honest, the vast majority of my life, including currently, I have been asexual. In the 1970s asexuality was not taught under the sex education curriculum; mind you, nothing other than heterosexuality was. Queer Theory was a revelation back in my university days in the 1990s. Thereafter I used the term queer. I still do so. A few years back I discovered the terms ‘demisexual’ and ‘demisexuality’. They were a g_dsend: this was and is the label under which I feel most at home.

Where did the term originate?

According to an item in The Guardian newspaper in 2019:

Demisexuality was first coined in an online forum in 2006 by a member of Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Aven), a website designed in 2001 to provide a resource on all things asexual – asexuality being the description for a person who does not experience sexual attraction at all.

…It is defined as an attraction model: “primary sexual attraction is an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their appearance or smell, which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire. Secondary sexual attraction is considered to be an attraction that develops over time based on a person’s relationship, an emotional connection with another person… Most sexuals in romantic relationships feel both primary and secondary sexual desire. The term demisexual, under this model, tends to refer to people who experience secondary sexual attraction but not primary sexual attraction.”

This article also includes another account of demisexuality, different to my own, this time a ‘heterosexual demisexual’.

Definition

So what is demisexuality? Here’s what Wikipedia says - under an article on asexuality or Grey/Gray Sexuality:

[Image description: The demisexual flag, in which the black chevron represents asexuality, gray represents gray asexuality and demisexuality, white represents sexuality, and purple represents community]

A demisexual person does not experience sexual attraction until they have formed a strong emotional connection with a prospective partner. The definition of "emotional bond" varies from person to person. Demisexuals can have any romantic orientation. People in the asexual spectrum communities often switch labels throughout their lives, and fluidity in orientation and identity is a common attitude.

Demisexuality, as a component of the asexuality spectrum, is included in queer activist communities such as GLAAD and The Trevor Project, and itself has finer divisions.

Demisexuality is a common theme (or trope) in romantic novels which has been termed 'compulsory demisexuality'. Within fictitious prose, the paradigm of sex being only truly pleasurable when the partners are in love is a trait stereotypically more commonly associated with female characters. The intimacy of the connection also allows for an exclusivity to take place.

Treatment

It’s not very much is it. Indeed, demisexuals are very often missed out of LGBTIQA+ groupings, because we end up subsumed, as on Wikipedia, into the asexual category. I have attempted to purchase the demisexual-flag at a number of venues and events over the past few years, but thus far to no avail. 

Instagram & Facebook, whilst turning many queer terminologies into mini-rainbows during the month of June, so-called Pride Month, never gives demisexual nor demisexuality the multi-coloured treatment; they remain black/grey/white and blending into the background.

I am open about my label and use the term on my dating/friendship apps, but I rarely come across others so bold. Indeed, more often than not, I receive comments along the lines, “Oh, what’s one of those?” and similar. I keep the Wikipedia item favourited for ease of quick reference and I pass it on, educating the queer communities person by person!

My demisexuality

For me, I do not have to have a “strong emotional connection”, but I do have to like the person. Indeed, I have to fully relate to the person I am with. There has to be a rapport. It is their personhood that attracts me, not their genitalia. I do like what is in folk’s pants at the point where I am comfortable in engaging in sexual activity. I have had sex with folk with whom I have felt romantic yearnings, but similarly I have had sex with folk for whom I felt no romantic attachment, just a simple but more often than not intense if ephemeral like. I am as happy looking for a partner as I am a friend-with-benefits (FWB).

To be brutally honest, I have rarely experienced sex with any partner where I have felt that the Earth moved in respect to how my body reäcts sexually. Nevertheless, I love to ensure that my partner is enjoying the sex. I love the touching and the close physical contact. I end up sated emotionally, spiritually and physically.

It is highly possible that sexual assaults and rapes in my formative years, at school and into adult life have scarred me in some way. I do not know. These kinds of traumatic experiences are often cited as the reason behind asexuality. However, as I understand it (correct me if I have it wrong) only about 1% of Brits are considered asexual per the little research that has been done. This one-percent figure is way below the number of folk who have been sexually abused or raped as children or teenagers. So I might shrug off the alleged correlation.

Demisexual taxonomy

It should be noted that from my personal preferences one cannot extract any kind of universal demisexuality. There are variations as there are within most sexual concepts.

A bisexual can be someone who alternates male then female monogamous affinities. Or a bisexual can have separate male and female partners during the same time-frame. Or a bisexual can have a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time, all three in a triad. And so on.

Similarly, there are bisexual demisexuals, heterosexual demisexuals, homosexual demisexuals; there are romantic demisexuals, aromantic demisexuals. And so on. I am not interested in sex at all at the moment with anyone, so that would make me currently asexual demisexual. However, for myself I use the term ‘queer demisexual’ as that about covers it all.

It is not really confusing. If education systems, media, etc. had not boorishly adhered to the heterosexual binary and other dichotomies for that matter, folk would be better prepared for the real world, rather than an idealised one. Sexuality is not black or white, right or wrong (as long as there is consent).

My future demisexuality

Demisexuality is also not immutable. As stated earlier in this blog-post, I have been all sorts of sexualities during my adult life. For all I know, affairs may alter again in the future. I am a naturally curious person and I also welcome change. I have reached a point in my life that I feel comfortable in saying yes or no to something, depending whether it is something I genuinely wish to pursue.

Further reading?

Whilst checking facts and sources for this blog-post, I came across a very clear and concise article on verywellmind.com (part of the DotDash group) entitled “What is a demisexual?”. It is worth a read.

Queries

I am not medically qualified, so if one has concerns about sex/sexuality do consult with a professional, appropriately-qualified medic.

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Once again many apologies for the appearance of this blog-post. I have made several attempts at deleting and reposting with various tweaks. This is the best I could manage. TY Blogger!

“Missing” Published!

ME Action requested submissions from creatives with Severe ME or Very Severe ME to recognise, remember and support said folk on Severe ME Awareness Day (8th August each year).

I am thrilled that they accepted and published one of my poëms under my nom de plume, Criquaer! Follow this link.

To read the text of the poëm in full, please refer to my blog-post from January this year.

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So chuffed!

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International Left-Handers Day

 

Image description: a bust photo of Nicholas Ferroni, educator & activist with his quotation…

I was born a sinner too. My sin is mentioned in the Bible 25 times. I tried to change, but couldn’t… Luckily society learned to accept us left-handed people.

Today, 13th August, is International Left-Handers’ Day.

I was born left-handed, a lefty, and was probably part of the last English generation to be forced to be right-handed, at least to write right-handedly. However, prior to disability, I used to be able to scribe with either hand. I use cutlery as a right-hander, but prefer to drink with my left. I played tennis and cricket with my left-hand, but kicked a ball with my right-foot (footedness usually indicates handedness). See this Wikipedia item on Handedness for further details.

Left-handers are often considered to be ‘evil’, ‘sinister’ (the English word is derived from the Latin for left, ‘sinistra’), ‘clumsy’ or less worthy than right-handers. There are many cultural reasons for this.

For several centuries, mainstream Christianity considered those who predominantly used their left-hands to be sinful. Some smaller denominations still do (see for example this by Seventh-Day Adventists). But when was the last time you heard a sermon denouncing left-handedness or sinistrality? The likelihood is probably never if one is young or not since your childhood or youth if one is more mature. In actuality there is not a single Bible verse that categorically states that left-handedness is sinful. The Church as a whole, however, used passages such as Matthew 25:31-34 & 41, to back up their wrongful assertions - a case of blatant eisegesis (placing one’s own suppositions etc. into an interpretation of Scripture)! For background, it may be of interest to note that Judaism does not hold any mores against left-handers (e.g. see this recent article).

Selective ‘Christian fundamentalists’ pick & choose which bits of the Bible they wish to believe in - oddly enough, usually those passages that appear to justify their own bigoted beliefs! Strange how they ignore other parts that are inconvenient, etc.

As a student at university, studying theology away from the biases of specific denominations was a revelation: I discovered just how much official Christianity (whether Evangelical, Anglican, Roman Catholic or Orthodox) has distorted and still distorts Biblical understanding and how it reprioritises and/or suppresses Jesus’ words & teachings.

For some two decades, I was a ‘born-again’ believer. In all the time that folk had prophecies, words of wisdom and pictures, funny how they could pick on sins but never seemed to find the love to support the sinned agin! Also odd was the obsession with sexual sinning, but a total ignoring of inter-personal wrong-doing (such as gossiping, back-biting, bitching, rumour-mongering, etc., and to which we can add the modern sins of trolling and gaslighting) which it can be argued are far more destructive to the individual, community and society as a whole.

The Church - in this sense, all denominations together - is and has long been out to protect itself and its powerful position. Jesus was a radical free-thinker who wanted to completely revolutionise society (e.g. Cleansing of the Temple). He was an early believer in equality - he was, inter alia, proto-feminist (see this article for several examples), anti-classist (e.g. The Widow’s Mite), and anti-racist (e.g. The Good Samaritan). He called for all of us to love everyone: not some wishy-washy emotionalism; but active love-in-action (or agapē). 

Pope Francis has iterated the call for radical love-in-action (e.g. see my blog-post on his Evangelii Gaudium), but the bureaucracy of the clergy ensures that any radicalism is tempered by an ineluctable conservatism.

Change can only occur if the so-called faithful pursue it. Given a couple of millennia of history, I doubt such will come to pass… But one never knows - miracles do happen from time to time, for nowadays the Church no longer considers left-handedness as sinful!