“I become immortal in your arms.”

 “I become immortal in your arms.”

words:

what words can I use

which words can convey

a feeling

my feelings for you

my feelings about you

how could you understand

how could you become wholly aware

what is in my mind

what is in my heart

to be fair

I am unsure myself

though I feel certain

you are playing at life

the court-jester’s part

but no-one is laughing

at your tragedy

I tried to reach your imagination

to stimulate your inner-self

and help set You free

in life’s affirming consummation

it seems amity was not to be

the law of life is Time

and we ran out of it

paradoxically

the clock-hands were moving

too fast for me

insufficient time

too slowly for you

too much time

to fill

∆

I sought You

offered myself

more and more persistently

revealed my fathomable profundity

but this just made you hide

within the confines

of your disabling fear

you dared nor drop the barrier

for love can be so very painful

and death appears

an easier, more comfortable option

well so you’d confide

really

we’re not that different

for both of us

the answer lies in or near suïcide

a deliberate action

or a longed-for incident

still the same self-destruction

∆

you look forward to an early death

and from life your requirements

are limited to

copious amounts of alcohol

and frequent, if unsatisfying, sex

intercourse as often as possible

or your preferred hand

stimulating your nether region

spilling ejaculate onto your abdomen

accompanied by imagery

of the unknown famous

of the known personally

so what if your life’s a mess

the chaötic duality

death and sex

can only lead to distress

you are cursed

not by God

not by others

but by your Self

by the deeds you have committed

and by the acts you have omitted

you rejected salvation

too much effort

incapable of renunciation

of your days of yore

a past that constantly tore

at your amour-propre

∆

I have been shackled by

the constraints of our acquaintanceship

no matter how hard I tried

to nurture mutual fellowship

a philial marriage

of like-minded spirits

or so you led me to believe

you withheld companionship

and stunted reciprocity

nothing, at least very little of You

came to me

freely

each fact

had to be extracted

torturously slowly

by deliberate act

how much of the knowledge of You

is inference

very occasionally

you’d make a direct reference

to some event in your past

but on the whole

just like your semen

from your conquests

you withheld

your Self

from first to the very last

∆

intimate coïncidence

results from loving

but basically

we had a monologue

steeped in inebriation

and you’d participate

in duologue

but the truth warps

and honesty fades

in drunkenness

∆

as is my nature

I contracted your worries

your anxiëties

your ineluctable loneliness

till they percolated my whole being

and insistently ate

into my world-weary flesh

for a day or so anorexic

another day bulimic

ejecting any matter

that might reïnstate

unsolicited health

still

I lusted for more

of the thorny knowledge of You

and counted each new endowment

as a miser his futile wealth

∆

it was your choice

to relinquish

my soul

the totality of my parts

you felt unable to cherish

these queer lips

that tried to speak to you

these queer hands

that tried to touch you

these queer arms

that tried to embrace you

this queer heart

that tried to move you

I communicated my love

on more than one occasion

but it was not enough

usually you replied

I know

but three times

you averred

I love you too

but the statement of hate

caused me

to collapse internally

We can never be close

without explanation

then seeing my face

you repented somewhat

and attempted

to soften the blow

Let’s be casual friends

…

What?

∆

I grieve for what will not be

for those things I planned for you

a leisurely walk

a swim

a Shiatsu massage

a body-painting

a blood-bond

for those things we planned to do

together

watch a soccer-match

maybe at Wembley

learn to ride a horse

play computer-games on my telly

there may be facets of my Self

I now will never know

∆

some doors open

while others close permanently

the trick is not to get locked inside

relationships going nowhere

we have to continually revise

the index of our affinities

try to forget the gestures, the smiles

of each erstwhile friend

sigh a sentimental sigh

heave a melancholy breast

smile a knowing-smile

and lay the happy memory to rest

longings must be put to an end

save for the occasional message

we may send

in the dreamworld

∆

I bid you luck

the generous touch of fate

and hope sincerely

old mate

you find what it is

you truly desire

some sweet, as yet undiscovered end

perhaps a lover or a good friend

or the peaceful rest

slumber of eternal nothingness

∆

and so to end it

the final goodbye

to endure in my mind’s-eye

the intolerable infection

suppurating memory

time’s eternal cost

causing me to deeply sigh

at this infernal loss

in futurity’s reflection

an equivocal immortality

_______________________________________

The title is a quotation from Ovid.

_______________________________________

As per my traditional custom, my first blog-post of the year is a poëm. I chose this particular one because it talks of a stormy past and a brighter future. Given what the World has been going through these past couple of years, this seemed appropriate.

This is by far the longest piece of poëtry I have published here. I do hope one or two of my readers will plough (plow) through it. Do give me any feed-back, even if you dislike it. Constructive-criticism is always welcome - it might not be followed, but I always ponder.

A tad late, but wishing all my readers, returning or first-time, a very good new year!