“I become immortal in your arms.”
words:
what words can I use
which words can convey
a feeling
my feelings for you
my feelings about you
how could you understand
how could you become wholly aware
what is in my mind
what is in my heart
to be fair
I am unsure myself
though I feel certain
you are playing at life
the court-jester’s part
but no-one is laughing
at your tragedy
I tried to reach your imagination
to stimulate your inner-self
and help set You free
in life’s affirming consummation
it seems amity was not to be
the law of life is Time
and we ran out of it
paradoxically
the clock-hands were moving
too fast for me
insufficient time
too slowly for you
too much time
to fill
∆
I sought You
offered myself
more and more persistently
revealed my fathomable profundity
but this just made you hide
within the confines
of your disabling fear
you dared nor drop the barrier
for love can be so very painful
and death appears
an easier, more comfortable option
well so you’d confide
really
we’re not that different
for both of us
the answer lies in or near suïcide
a deliberate action
or a longed-for incident
still the same self-destruction
∆
you look forward to an early death
and from life your requirements
are limited to
copious amounts of alcohol
and frequent, if unsatisfying, sex
intercourse as often as possible
or your preferred hand
stimulating your nether region
spilling ejaculate onto your abdomen
accompanied by imagery
of the unknown famous
of the known personally
so what if your life’s a mess
the chaötic duality
death and sex
can only lead to distress
you are cursed
not by God
not by others
but by your Self
by the deeds you have committed
and by the acts you have omitted
you rejected salvation
too much effort
incapable of renunciation
of your days of yore
a past that constantly tore
at your amour-propre
∆
I have been shackled by
the constraints of our acquaintanceship
no matter how hard I tried
to nurture mutual fellowship
a philial marriage
of like-minded spirits
or so you led me to believe
you withheld companionship
and stunted reciprocity
nothing, at least very little of You
came to me
freely
each fact
had to be extracted
torturously slowly
by deliberate act
how much of the knowledge of You
is inference
very occasionally
you’d make a direct reference
to some event in your past
but on the whole
just like your semen
from your conquests
you withheld
your Self
from first to the very last
∆
intimate coïncidence
results from loving
but basically
we had a monologue
steeped in inebriation
and you’d participate
in duologue
but the truth warps
and honesty fades
in drunkenness
∆
as is my nature
I contracted your worries
your anxiëties
your ineluctable loneliness
till they percolated my whole being
and insistently ate
into my world-weary flesh
for a day or so anorexic
another day bulimic
ejecting any matter
that might reïnstate
unsolicited health
still
I lusted for more
of the thorny knowledge of You
and counted each new endowment
as a miser his futile wealth
∆
it was your choice
to relinquish
my soul
the totality of my parts
you felt unable to cherish
these queer lips
that tried to speak to you
these queer hands
that tried to touch you
these queer arms
that tried to embrace you
this queer heart
that tried to move you
I communicated my love
on more than one occasion
but it was not enough
usually you replied
I know
but three times
you averred
I love you too
but the statement of hate
caused me
to collapse internally
We can never be close
without explanation
then seeing my face
you repented somewhat
and attempted
to soften the blow
Let’s be casual friends
…
What?
∆
I grieve for what will not be
for those things I planned for you
a leisurely walk
a swim
a Shiatsu massage
a body-painting
a blood-bond
for those things we planned to do
together
watch a soccer-match
maybe at Wembley
learn to ride a horse
play computer-games on my telly
there may be facets of my Self
I now will never know
∆
some doors open
while others close permanently
the trick is not to get locked inside
relationships going nowhere
we have to continually revise
the index of our affinities
try to forget the gestures, the smiles
of each erstwhile friend
sigh a sentimental sigh
heave a melancholy breast
smile a knowing-smile
and lay the happy memory to rest
longings must be put to an end
save for the occasional message
we may send
in the dreamworld
∆
I bid you luck
the generous touch of fate
and hope sincerely
old mate
you find what it is
you truly desire
some sweet, as yet undiscovered end
perhaps a lover or a good friend
or the peaceful rest
slumber of eternal nothingness
∆
and so to end it
the final goodbye
to endure in my mind’s-eye
the intolerable infection
suppurating memory
time’s eternal cost
causing me to deeply sigh
at this infernal loss
in futurity’s reflection
an equivocal immortality
_______________________________________
The title is a quotation from Ovid.
_______________________________________
As per my traditional custom, my first blog-post of the year is a poëm. I chose this particular one because it talks of a stormy past and a brighter future. Given what the World has been going through these past couple of years, this seemed appropriate.
This is by far the longest piece of poëtry I have published here. I do hope one or two of my readers will plough (plow) through it. Do give me any feed-back, even if you dislike it. Constructive-criticism is always welcome - it might not be followed, but I always ponder.
A tad late, but wishing all my readers, returning or first-time, a very good new year!
