Some Hurts Go Too Deep

[For IJSH]

Some Hurts Go Too Deep

weeping

shrouded from light

in a heavily patched

moth-eaten blanket

well-worn

torch-light flashing across memories

photographs faded, crumpled or

jaggedly torn

hands shaking

palms to fingertips

oozing sweat

briny perspiration

seeping

playing cards with

dated portraits

flicking faster through them

dropping them

to the floor

one-by-one

are they really tears?

picking at a loose thread

tugging too hard

unravelling

nearly undone

my life, my psyche, my ego

hypersensitive, raw

coming across his photo

stunned to pause

at the child

I bore

but the hole is

too far gone

too late to sew

time, new love, distance

cannot mend

the breach

I will never heal

not even till I reach

life’s unsolicited,

torturous end

a begrudging, stoic acceptance

the damage is done

a permanent rend

in my now ragged mantle

drawing it tighter, closer

about me

breathing in the stale odour

I lost my son

I lost my brother

I lost my sister

I lost my father

I lost my mother

I lost more than one lover

I lost my self

taking comfort, reassurance

I did love

I did live

under my tired, old, grubby

cover

settling down to fitful sleep

eschewing pain in imperfect rest

half anticipating the hit

ready for the next

unwelcome test

unexpected death

or a new someone

taking another look

at the boy’s photo

perhaps really I died

years ago

I’ll wait for him

to come…

[Image description: my favourite blankey goes with me always on my travels]