(* This is a pun on an oft quoted play title, "No Sex Please, We're British".)
For Blogging Against Disablism Day 2012, I blogged on the subject of disabled sex, or more accurately the lack of it, under the title "Sexual Eunuchs?" After writing the article I girded my loins (metaphorically!) and decided to try out some dating or introduction agencies. My misadventures are chronicled in a post entitled "Disabled and Gay Internet Dating &/or Amity" - and believe me absolutely nothing of any kind of excitement occurred not even the merest frisson of stimulation!
That is, almost nothing...
Well, hello sailor!
[Image description: 1915 poster of four sailors in a crow's-nest;
the legend reads "THE NAVY WANTS MEN"]
In February this year I was suddenly contacted one evening on facebook by a chap who I had connected with on one of the sites. I say "connected" in the loosest possible sense of the word. He had decided he liked me, flagged up the fact, but never actually did anything other than send a single smile. So to suddenly receive a communication out of the blue was somewhat discombobulating.
Here's the conversation (obviously some details have been amended to hide his identity):
[22.52]
Adam
Hey, Colin, it's Adam1987 from Disability Amity. How are you? Xx
Me
I'm not bad, Adam. Nice to sort of meet at last.
Adam
Yeah, nice to meet you too, Colin. May I ask why you use a wheelchair and where are you from?
[I nodded off for a cat-nap.]
Me
Sorry, Adam, phased out a bit there; can fall asleep at the drop of a hat!
Adam
It's ok.
Me
I am bed-bound over 60% of the time; but about 90% at this time of the year. I am actually banned from exercise including swimming by my hospital consultant and must not walk more than 100 metres per day. So whilst I can potter about the house/garden on good days, I usually need the wheelchair to go further afield.
Me
You do not state on Disability Amity what your disability is. Whatever, I am quite excited that someone with a disability is employed by the forces.
Adam
I'm not disabled myself; I do like disabled men though.
Me
Well, that's not a problem. What is it you like about disabled men? That is if it is not too personal a question. %)
Adam
I just like their outlook on life. No matter how bad, they carry on through it.
Me
I think that is generally true. We do tend to be resilient and resourceful. Mind by necessity to be honest. %DDD
Adam
What is your disability?
Me
I have multiple conditions each with their own co-morbidities. The main ones are at least three types of arthritis; ME/CFS; FMS; Raynaud's Syndrome....
Adam
Ok. Never heard of any of them. Sorry.
Where you from?
Oh sorry, didn't answer all your queries. I am not really from anywhere as I have moved around thirty times. However, I currently reside in the 'burbs of SW Manchester.
Adam
Cool! I'm home visiting family tonight. I could come visit you tomorrow if you like.
Me
Sorry, Adam, that would have been lovely; but I have to pre-arrange for carers to sort me out and also to let you in!
That's ok. I could come and let myself in and I could help you out with whatever you need. I don't mind helping you out.
Me
A lovely notion to be sure. But how would you get a key? The carer would have to be here to unlock the door. Gets complicated - when one becomes disabled it is nigh impossible to do much spontaneously; everything has to be carefully planned.
Adam
Awwwww ok. You got anyone going tomorrow?
Me
The carers are all scheduled. Next one is 18.30 tomorrow evening to get me up, cook a hot meal and prepare for my evening visitor for my weekly movie night.
Adam
Awwwwwwww! Who's your evening visitor?
It could be me, if you like.
Me
My very beautiful next-door-but-one-neighbour - Amélie. You can find her under my friends.
Adam
Awwwwwwww ok! Would she let me in after your movie night?
I don't want to do anything rude, just have a drink and a chat, if you like.
Me
She would if I asked her. Whilst very tempting, I would not be able to. I can only remain awake for a maximum three to four hours and then I crash; it can be sooner. Amélie knows me well and doesn't outstay if she sees I need to lie down.
Adam, another time would be most welcome, as long as I get a bit of notice to ensure I rest before your arrival.
I cannot be rude to a very good friend who does a lot to support me, as our movie nights are her break each week from her beau.
Adam
Ok, that's good with me. How would Wednesday afternoon be for an hour?
Me
Afternoons are not good for me. This Thursday morning I shall be up early for me at about nine, depending on carer arrival. I am usually downstairs from ten till two. Would that be a good time to pop by?
Adam
That's no good. I'm back to work tomorrow night. :(
Me
Oh, I'm so sorry, chuck! I cannot change my schedule as they are organised a week ahead to fit around me & my carers. May be next time you are up North...
Adam
Yeah: hope we can sort something.
Me
Adam
That's ok: I know what it's like trying to organise work as I do it too, in the navy.
Me
Are you openly gay/bi to your colleagues or do you have to hide that part of you?
Adam
No I don't have to hide it; they are ok with it.
Me
That's good news. How things change!
Alas, not much has changed for me! Adam's was my one potential offer of sex in the last twelve months. As the conversation, I hope, elucidates, even sex has to be scheduled and organised for some of us who are disabled.
Imagine, if I could have just got in touch with the carers agency and asked for 'shag-support', by which I mean someone to come and let in my potential playmate. But then I would also need assistance in getting washed up afterwards as well as the bedding changed and laundered. Adam sounded as if he would not have minded helping me out. But what if I had had to rely on an escort. I imagine it would be hand over the cash, bang-bang and thank-you-good-bye man with no hanging around to help out.
I should love to know if there is a single social services department in the country (UK) that offers any kind of assistance to disabled folk who want to play in bed. When I had my care review as to what my needs are and how they could assist me, not one form or person even referenced sex. My G.P.'s (family doctors) have never brought up the thorny topic of sex. Nor for that matter have any of my hospital consultants (clinicians). The specialist support nurses did not mention the subject either. In some sense it is as if I have been infantalised; like a child, I shall not be engaging in inappropriate behaviours for my own good.
It might be argued, I suppose, that it is a matter of privacy. But let's face it, if one is seriously disabled one loses much of one's perceived privacy. Is the subject of sex just too private?
It might be argued, I suppose, that it is a matter of privacy. But let's face it, if one is seriously disabled one loses much of one's perceived privacy. Is the subject of sex just too private?
So twelve months on, and I still feel I am a sexual eunuch.
This article is part of "Blogging Against Disablism Day" aka BADD2013.
This article is part of "Blogging Against Disablism Day" aka BADD2013.
[Image description: BADD2013 logo depicting 20 folk in various colours;
one of which is in a wheelchair & another holds a walking-stick (cane);
the text reads, "Blogging Against Disablism"]
I'm so sorry you still feel like a eunuch. Getting help to organise one's sex life seems as vital as any other aspect of one's social life. I've heard of elderly disabled gay folk in particular feeling the need to effectively return to the closet because of the fears that carers will disapprove or refuse to help them in this way.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, when people talk about disability and sexual rights in the mainstream, the emphasis is almost entirely on straight disabled men and sex work. I wrote about this a few months ago, having read a really excellent essay, that was the inspiration for the film The Sessions - I strongly recommend that essay, which as well as discussing the chap's personal journey, doesn't hold back from the practical operation of facilitating sex.
Thanks for your comments, Goldfish, appreciated.
DeleteI read your blog and the referenced essay some time back - as obviously it is of interest to me. I don't feel myself to be unattractive. But as I try to elucidate, the logistics around sorting out a date can be nightmarish. In most ways it completely destroys any kind of spontaneity which can be part of the fun of sex.
What is really galling though is that all authorities (social, medical, governmental) ignore disabled folks' needs, wants & desires when it comes to sexual matters. It would be interesting to determine how the Scandic countries or the Low Countries support disabled folk in such matters, if at all. Or for that matter, whether any countries have fully thought-through policies.
I'll just keep taking the bromide! %D