WARNING: this blog-post deals with sexual matters. If the reader might be offended, do not proceed.
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My own sexual route
It took me longer than most to learn that I am a sexual being. I was late to masturbation; but once discovered, I loved the sense of vitality it invoked in me. Although I can go months without the need to self-pleasure. For most of my life I have been and am asexual. However, if I connect strongly with an individual I can be sexually turned on by them. This makes me a demisexual, a term only coined at the beginning of the twenty-first century. [For more on demisexuality see my blog-post here.]
Whilst I occasionally dipped into affinities with a sexual aspect, I did not actually fantasise about having sex until 1992 when I was twenty-eight. I went to university as a mature student. I met lots of interesting individuals, males and females, one of whom was a young lady to whom I felt a great attraction. It was a pleasant surprise to find myself fantasising about having sexual intercourse with her. This was my very first fantasy of having sex with someone.
There was a five year gap before I again enjoyed sexual fantasies, in 1997. This time it was fellatio with a man I had come to love. He averred that the feeling was reciprocated, but I do not believe he was capable of loving anyone, even himself. The relationship went nowhere and the fantasies quickly stopped.
My next sexual fantasies started a couple of years later in 1999. This time I had separate dreams of a man and a woman. My fantasies had me fucking the man, something I had not contemplated previously. My dreams with the woman had her fucking me with a strap-on and light BDSM, the first time I had fantasised about myself being the recipient of anal-intercourse. I sporadically enjoyed these lusty imaginings with one or the other of the two into 2001.
In 2001, I met a man who became my boyfriend, lover and then partner over several years. The sexual fantasies ceased; presumably as I had no need of them. The relationship ended in 2012.
I did not again experience any sexual fantasies until 2024 with the chap I was dating at the time. Once the affinity ended, so did the fantasies.
Before and between these sexual fantasies I had relationships with a sexual aspect. However, I have no idea as to why some affinities stimulated fantasies whilst others did not. Perhaps I was longing for more from a specific person than I in fact received. Perhaps I was longing for more from myself. When I am with someone I enjoy the sex we share in the moment. I cannot deny that for a short time afterwards I crave more sex with the person; but this yearning rapidly dissipates. But the desire does not transmute into fantasy.
Magazine articles and other media imply that men and women are constantly fantasising about having sex. If they are correct, then it may be my innate asexuality that is responsible for my lack of sexual fantasy.
Asexuality
[Histogram of minority sexualities listed in the England & Wales 2021 Census.]
I ought to point out that asexuality is considered to be a spectrum. Some individuals never have any kind of sexual attraction to anyone. Some folk may fantasise about engaging in sex, but have no desire to ever actually have sex with anyone. Some asexuals masturbate; others do not. There is, as one can perceive, no dichotomy.
Whilst asexuality has been known about since at least 1790, for which the Oxford English Dictionary (O.E.D.) can attest, there has been little research into the subject. It is estimated that one percent of the Western population is asexual. The highly-qualified statistics for the 2021 England & Wales Census suggest a figure of 0.6%, but asexuality is considered to have been under-reported.
Never have I been able to force a sexual fantasy, they simply suddenly make an appearance in my reveries.
These days having sexual fantasies is considered normal (except where such lead to obsessions, compulsions and behaviours that have a negative impact). So, if experiencing sexual fantasies is healthy is not having them unhealthy? Again, it depends on the circumstances. If a lack of same causes distress then obviously it is problematic. However, if there are no issues, then a lack of sexual fantasising is quite healthy. And, to be sure, asexuals often do not experience sexual fantasies.
Queerness
As a youth I was often supposedly insulted by bullies with the term queer. Actually I was and am queer, in the sense of being atypical. In the late 1980s gay men began to reclaim the term and into the 1990s Queer Theory was developed. Since then I have appropriated the term queer to describe myself in a positive sense rather than the pejorative sense my former bullies implied.
I am queer in the sense of being unique, and I do not mind that at all. I am queer in the way I experience sexual fantasies. And I am happy to accept my sexuality or lack thereof. I only ever experience sexual fantasies when I have a strong emotional attraction leading to a sexual attraction with another, i.e. during periods when I am demisexual. For the majority of the time I am asexual and do not experience sexual fantasies. And there's nothing adnormal or unhealthy about that.
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NB I am not a trained medical professional. If the reader has any qualms, then please seek advice from an appropriately trained source.
