Tuesday 11 September 2018

I Keep Feeling

[TRIGGER WARNING: this post deals with child-abuse and references suicide and blood!]

I have hinted at my childhood issues in some past postings.

Of late I have been much affected and effected by the abuse I suffered at the hands of both parents, not only in childhood, but through my adolescence, my young adulthood and to a lesser extent into my mid-adulthood. Eventually, in my mid-thirties, my psychiatrist, my psychologist and my G.P. (family doctor) strongly advised me to completely separate myself from them. I followed their advice and did so. Since then they have divorced and moved to different places, but I do not know exactly their whereabouts - and I want to keep it that way.

Over the years various good friends have suggested I sue my parents or lodge complaints with the police. Unfortunately, such proceedings would mean I should have to relive the horrors over and over again to the police, to lawyers and before the Courts. That, for me, is too large a price to pay for Justice. I prefer to direct my energies and efforts into healing as best I can and living my life the way I want to live it.

I know from my paternal Grandmother that my paternal Grandfather was brutal in his treatment of my Father. I know from my Aunts that my maternal Grandfather was abusive towards my Mother & her siblings. This may explain the abuse my parents meted out: it does NOT justify nor vindicate their behaviours one iota.

Several times prior to the split from my abusers, I attempted suicide; but since then I have not even contemplated same - other than for end-of-life and living-will purposes. I have become, at least partially, the happy and confident chap I should have been all along.

I am publishing the poem below and this brief preamble, not to garner sympathy, but rather with the aspiration that someone may find it useful to know that life does get better, that there is always Hope.


after so many years
       of mental justification
       of emotional turmoil
       of spiritual malaise
       of medication
              I stopped taking them
       at fifty-three
expecting liberation
scary initially

       I am still scared
so much anxiety
too many feels
but good
       has the upper-hand
              I am certain
I feel music again
my bodily pleasures
re-awakened creativity
slumbering sexuality
though no princely kiss yet
I feel me again
I keep smiling

I keep crying
I keep feeling
       I am still scarred
I keep sensing
       that putrescent
       veining my soul
my heart turned
       to cold
I keep smelling
       your odious stench
       polluting all memory
I used to feel nothing
       for you
              who made no effort
                     to atone
but you keep popping up
an unsolicited smear
never sufficient
       bruises nor blood
never enough torment
abused childhood
abused adolescence
abused adulthood
equilibrium tired
hope expired
       turned to a putative hate
       I just want the thoughts
              of you
              of your actions
              your nefandous deeds
                     to go away
                     to stay at bay
I keep feeling
longing for Fate
       to resolve
              your evil
for it has cleaved
       my soul
       my psyche
no salve
no surgery
       can heal
              the scars of cruelty

but I soldier on
       like a good boy
and I keep feeling
       never joy
       but contentment
       in your absence
              I have grown
                     in confidence
                     in maturity
                     in sagacity
I feel…
       I keep feeling
                     of Love
                     of Life
but still
       as ever
              that small boy
I cannot stop
I just have to
       keep feeling
              the pain
desperate to attain

I keep feeling

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